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TOTAL SCORE: 8
Class-action attorney, 35, Chicago
As judged by his wife, Dana:
1. Does he know your child’s diaper size? He’s close.
2. How many hours a night of sleep does your husband need? 9 to 10.
3. Does he know the size and consistency of your child’s last bowel movement? No.
4. Did he put together the crib? He doesn’t know where the screwdriver is.
5. Does he have any skills the kid adores? Juggling
6. What would he do if there were a big game the same day as a party your kid was invited to? Makes no difference if there isn’t a big game. I take them.
7. Has he ever grocery shopped alone with the kid? Yes, when I was out of town.
8. Did he call you while he was there? No.
9. Who does the bulk of the disciplining in your home? Does discipline include putting the kids in front of the TV? If not, then me.
10. If you were to ask him to get the wipes, could he find them without help? Yes.
11. How many different characters can he name from Thomas the Tank Engine? [See #21.]
12. Does he know your child’s favorite book? Yes.
13. Does he know your child’s blood type? No.
14. Has he ever referred to time with your child as “babysitting"? Routinely.
15. When the kid cries in the middle of the night, does he fake sleep? Yes.
16. When you come home from a day out, does he head to the bathroom before the kids get their needs met? No.
17. On a scale of 1 to 10, how involved has he been in potty training your child (10 being totally involved, 1 being utterly uninterested)? Can I use negative numbers?
18. Has he ever expressed violent emotions toward Raffi, Elmo, or The Wiggles? No.
19. How does he do in the security line at the airport? He’s got some game in the security line. He can even convince the security folks to let the kids keep their 4-ounce yogurts.
20. How fast can he:
a) change a diaper (pee)? 3 minutes.
b) change a diaper (poo)? 5 minutes. He couldn’t work the Diaper Genie and left the dirty diaper and wipes on top of it. Amazing how a brilliant lawyer can be such a bozo with a plastic gadget that he uses daily.
c) get kid dressed? 7 minutes.
d) assemble Pack ‘n Play? Tried for three minutes then gave up when he couldn’t get the side arms to lock.
e) disassemble Pack ‘n Play? Then he made me put it away.
f) buckle kid into car? 25 seconds.
g) find small baggie of crushed Goldfish in packed diaper bag (estimation)? Never.
21. Anything else? The only reason Jay knows Thomas the Tank Engine is because he sued them.
Note: Jay suffered greatly during the administering of this test. “You have no idea how much I do around here,” Dana snapped following Jay’s Pack ‘n Play disgrace. His punishment was severe. “I ended up going to three birthday parties last weekend because of your stupid test,” he told me.
Note #2: Jay most likely earns more money than the rest of the fathers combined.