Men Behaving Dadly

Can something as complex as a father's skill be measured? Yes, it can.

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THIRD PLACE

TOTAL SCORE: 62

SCOTT
Real-estate attorney, 31, La Grange

As judged by his wife, Tasha:
1. Does he know your child's diaper size? Yes. He knows her weight and everything.
2. How many hours a night of sleep does your husband need? 8.
3. Does he know the size and consistency of your child's last bowel movement? Yes, but she's breastfed, so it's always the same.
4. Did he put together the crib? Without directions. But he did it in the dining room so he could watch the Cubs, and it wouldn't fit through the nursery door.
5. Does he have any skills the kid adores? I don't know if it's a skill, but he managed to turn Car Talk on NPR into a special daddy/daughter activity.
6. What would he do if there were a big game the same day as a party your kid was invited to? Send me alone or verify that the game was going to be playing at the party.
7. Has he ever grocery shopped alone with the kid? With both kids. He even made his own list!
8. Did he call you while he was there? No.
9. Who does the bulk of the disciplining in your home? Whoever sees the crime committed.
10. If you were to ask him to get the wipes, could he find them without help? Yes.
11. How many different characters can he name from Thomas the Tank Engine? 5.
12. Does he know your child's favorite book? She doesn't have one, and he knows this.
13. Does he know your child's blood type? No.
14. Has he ever referred to time with your child as "babysitting"? No, but I have.
15. When the kid cries in the middle of the night, does he fake sleep? No. He's usually up and into their room before I am.
16. When you come home from a day out, does he head to the bathroom before the kids get their needs met? No.
17. On a scale of 1 to 10, how involved has he been in potty training your child (10 being totally involved, 1 being utterly uninterested)? 9.
18. Has he ever expressed violent emotions toward Raffi, Elmo, or The Wiggles? No. He even planned a vacation to Beaches in Jamaica so the kid could hang with Elmo for a week. The golf course nearby might have also had something to do with it.
19. How does he do in the security line at the airport? Not so good. Usually it is me balancing babies, strollers, shoes, etc.
20. How fast can he:
a) change a diaper (pee)? 1:20.
b) change a diaper (poo)? 1:52. He does it with cotton and water to oblige my need to avoid chemicals on my babe's skin.
c) get kid dressed? 46 seconds.
d) assemble Pack 'n Play? 28 seconds.
e) disassemble Pack 'n Play? 42 seconds.
f) buckle kid into car? 51 seconds.
g) find small baggie of crushed Goldfish in packed diaper bag (estimation)? 4 seconds. And it was way at the bottom.
21. Anything else? In the middle of the skills test Scott started huffing at Delaney for putting her toes in her mouth: "Daddy's going to lose the championship because of this!"

Note: Scott lost the championship because of his times in the skills test.

This article appears in the August 2008 issue of Chicago Magazine.

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