Reversal of Fortune
The Closer recently visited a tarot card reader and a psychic, asked them the same eight questions, then checked their answers against those of three other, less expensive sources: a Ouija board, a Magic 8-Ball , and my six-year-old nephew.
Look up " psychic " in the Chicagoland Yellow Pages and you'll finally understand the sheer number of storefronts there are out there beckoning with their neon-lit crystal balls. But just how accurate are these so-called seers? The Closer recently visited a tarot card reader ($70) and a psychic ($30), asked them the same eight questions, then checked their answers against those of three other, less expensive sources: a Ouija board ($15.95), a Magic 8-Ball ($7.99), and my six-year-old nephew in Cincinnati, Joel (an ice-cream cone).
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| 1. Have I had past lives? | Many. You may have been a religious teacher. You have psychic abilities; you just don't have a sign on your door. | Very doubtful. |
| 2. Will my wife have another baby? | She is already pregnant. She is having a girl. | Don't count on it. |
| 3. Will the Sox win the World Series again? | The cards say they will get close, but they will not win it. They'll probably lose in the playoffs. | It is decidedly so. |
| 4. Will I be able to sell my screenplay? | You will, but it will never make it onto the big screen, unless you market it correctly. | Better not tell you now. |
| 5. Will I get a raise this year? | Yes. You will have a very good year, financially. | You may rely on it. |
| 6. Will I commit bodily harm to the stray cats stinking up my back deck? | You are not a violent person. You will go to Petco and buy that stuff that keeps cats off of the furniture. | Yes definitely. |
| 7. Will I live a long life? | Yes. Late 80s, 90s. But you will need a walker at the end. | Outlook not so good. |
| 8. Anything else? | Without a spiritual element you are out of balance. You should try going to synagogue more. | Yes definitely. |
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| 1. Have I had past lives? | Yes. You had blond hair and blue eyes and were very good-looking. | No. God makes everybody with their own bodies and they don't take parts away. |
| 2. Will my wife have another baby? | Yes. You will have a boy. And then you will have twins, which is good. | No. I want to be the only nephew. |
| 3. Will the Sox win the World Series again? | They will gain fame around the world, but no. Their pitching is not reliable. | No, because they are not in the lead. |
| 4. Will I be able to sell my screenplay? | It will be years, but when you sell it, it will be a sensation. You will earn a lot of money. So it'll be made into a movie? No. These things are difficult. | Yes. Someday it will be so popular. |
| 5. Will I get a raise this year? | No. I can see that you don't love your job, yet you feel content there. Maybe this screenwriting will pay off. | Yes, because you're working really hard. $20. |
| 6. Will I commit bodily harm to the stray cats stinking up my back deck? | If you can control your rage for eight to nine months, they will leave on their own. | No, you will make them live in a litter box where nobody hardly goes-but don't put the cat in jail. |
| 7. Will I live a long life? | I'm seeing late 70s or early 80s. You will not be in pain. | You will live to be 80 because you eat all right. |
| 8. Anything else? | You and your wife will grow old together because you are soul mates. | Our troops will get out of Iraq on December 1, 2006. |
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| 1. Have I had past lives? | Yes. Was I someone famous? Yes. Who? Khrscv. I was Nikita Khrushchev? Yes. |
| 2. Will my wife have another baby? | Yes. What will the kid's name be? Tang Tripsm. |
| 3. Will the Sox win the World Series again? | No. |
| 4. Will I be able to sell my screenplay? | No. Why not? Hrvey. Hrvey? Harvey Weinstein? Yes. |
| 5. Will I get a raise this year? | Yes. Really? No. |
| 6. Will I commit bodily harm to the stray cats stinking up my back deck? | No. Why not? They wll kil u. |
| 7. Will I live a long life? | No. How long do I have? 22. 22 years? 22 days? 22 seconds? Goodbye. |
| 8. Anything else? | 22. |
Photography: Crystal Ball J. Herrero, Nephew Kenn Ruby, Khrushchev © Mary Evans Picture Library/Alamy
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