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Not Tonight, Honey

According to a recent study on human sexual behavior by two University of Texas profs, there are 237 reasons why humans—specifically, college-aged humans—have sex (No. 21: “It feels good”). OK, so now we know the factors driving us into the bedroom…

According to a recent study on human sexual behavior by two University of Texas profs, there are 237 reasons why humans-specifically, college-aged humans-have sex (No. 21: “It feels good"). OK, so now we know the factors driving us into the bedroom (or wherever it is we do the deed); it’s not exactly groundbreaking stuff. Perhaps the most surprising conclusion of the study, published in the August issue of Archives of Sexual Behavior, is that the top 10 reasons were pretty much the same for guys and girls. (Read the comprehensive list here.)

A far more interesting study would have involved researching the factors that keep us from having sex, since not having it seems to be a bigger trend among adults, especially those in steady relationships (depending on whom you ask, of course). So, I decided to come up with my own list. It’s called the Top 20 Excuses People Make Before Running Out of Reasons Why They Don’t Want to Have Sex. Wordy, I know. My list is based on conversations with friends, personal experience, and completely unscientific research involving many hours in front of the television and on the Internet. Consider this a prelude to the profs’ published list.

20. I’m too tired/too lazy.

19. I have too much work to do.

18. I don’t want the obligation of having to see you again.

17. Your breath smells.

16. We’re already married, so what’s the point?

15. There are dirty dishes in the sink, and the garbage is piling up. What have you done for me lately?

14. I don’t find you attractive enough.

13. I hate the way you dress.

12. You think you can go out with the boys and come home to me for sex?

11. You generally disgust me.

10. I’m not in the mood tonight (a.k.a. the opposite of “It feels good").

9. I ate too much.

8. My parents are in the next room (only applicable on trips home or family vacations).

7. I gave up sex for Lent. (If you’re Jewish, like me, you’re out of luck with this one.)

6. You’re a terrible kisser.

5. I’m in desperate need of a wax (used by both men and women these days).

4. I don’t want to add another unnecessary number to “the list.”

3. I think we should get to know each other first; I want you to respect me in the morning.

2. I don’t have enough alcohol in my system.

1. I have a headache/stomach ache/cramps (whichever ailment seems most believable).

My reason No. 1 has an unexpected counterpart from the University of Texas study, No. 173: I wanted to get rid of a headache. Who knew sex could do that?

What are your top reasons for not wanting-or wanting-to have sex?

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