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2 years
ago

Week 39: The Call

I was at work when the call came, though I wasn’t sure it was The Call at the time. All I knew was the kids were having a double-playdate in our apartment, the dog was going crazy, and Sarah was so miserable she wanted to send them all to Anchorage. I hopped in a cab immediately and made my way home…

2 years
ago

Week 37: Boy or Girl?

We don’t know and we don’t want to know until we see a penis or lack thereof. The act of not knowing, while exciting, also means that Sarah has to endure predictions from everyone who comes into contact with her…

2 years
ago

Week 35: Freaks and Leaks

Hello, Week 35. I remember you. You are the week when I have to start tying the wife’s shoes because she can’t bend over…

2 years
ago

Week 33: Who Robs a Pregnant Woman?

On Tuesday, someone robbed my seven-months-pregnant wife on Clark Street. No, there is not a special place in hell for People Who Steal From Pregnant Women, because there is no such thing as hell. But if there were, that special place would be in the same scorching, roach-infested neighborhood that houses…

2 years
ago

Week 32: Expecting the Worst

Here’s where I criticize a movie I haven’t seen. It’s called What to Expect When You’re Expecting; it stars Cameron Diaz, Jennifer Lopez, Chris Rock, Elizabeth Banks, Dennis Quaid, Brookyn Decker, and that guy from Glee; and after sitting through the smarmy, cliché-dripping trailer—twice—I wanted to punch every single one of them in the face…

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2 years
ago

Week 31: How to @#$% Up

After much research, I have finally learned the absolute worst thing to say to one’s pregnant wife. With just a few simple words, you, too, can tear into your beloved spouse’s every insecurity and lay them bare at a exact moment when she is at her most vulnerable!…

2 years
ago

Week 29: A Word About Poop

It’s common knowledge that for new parents, everything revolves around poo and pee. It’s all we talk about and think about—every joke and every riddle and song. You don’t even want to know about my dreams. We spend a lot of time trying to keep our kids from engaging in Potty Talk, because it’s impolite and gross—but for those of you without offspring…

2 years
ago

Week 27: Sleepwalking

Last night, just as I was falling asleep, unconfirmed reports came from the kids’ room that the dog had peed all over Max’s bed. A reconnaissance scout was sent to the hot zone to investigate, and promptly brought word that the rumor was, in fact, true. The dog had peed with extreme prejudice…

2 years
ago

Week 26: Name That Baby

I don’t recall arguing about baby names the last two times. Hannah and Max. In my mind, both kids popped out, we had the names ready to go, and that was that. Boom, done. The names fit, and they stuck. In retrospect it’s impossible to imagine them as anything else. You’d think we’d have this process down pat by now, but this time, we can’t imagine the kid at all…

2 years
ago

Week 25: Vicious Cycle

If there were Pregnancy Police, I’d be calling 911 right now. As it turns out, my wife’s not really respecting the laws of the bed rest. She’s using the extra time to launch all kinds of complex projects involving sewing and reorganizing bookshelves and figuring out why our bathroom smells like a hungover moose. I can’t stop her, and she can’t stop herself…

2 years
ago

Week 24: A Moment to Forget

In 2000, I proposed to Sarah at a B & B in Lakeside, Michigan. Got down on one knee, took her hand, the whole thing. She proposed back, rings were exchanged, and then we were just kind of like: What do we do now?…

2 years
ago

Week 23: Fairy Dust

Hannah lost a tooth the other day, her fourth. In our home, the Tooth Fairy has a grand tradition of leaving these big fancy notes of congratulation—in addition to the money—in exchange for the tooth under the pillow. So that’s what the Tooth Fairy did, even though it was 11 p.m. and he had worked a long day and was tired, and he still had to clean the kitchen and take out the recycling…

2 years
ago

Week 22: The Rest of Your Life

Bed rest. Just say the words and women cringe. Then they offer to bring over lasagne. Sarah’s been having crazy pains all over her body, especially in that special contraction zone, which makes O.B.s awfully nervous—and ours, the unflappable Dr. Harth, finally told Sarah that if working was causing her pain, then stop working. So she has…

2 years
ago

Week 21: Senior Moment

Sarah is 36. In the twisted world of pregnancy, 36 qualifies as geriatric. Most of us generally associate the word “geriatric” with broken hips, early bird dinners, and Florida, and I have delighted in making my wife the butt of many jokes involving Metamucil and mothballs. Her response…

2 years
ago

Week 21: Broom of The System

Scientists believe that pregnancy affects spatial awareness. A woman’s pinballing hormones temporarily shrivel her hippocampus, turning the brain region that’s responsible for memory and spatial navigation into an entity roughly as reliable as a stylist at SuperCuts…