Push

July 2007

7 years
ago

 

Week 13: Fetuses Gone Wild!

Some interesting developments inside my wife this week. According to pregnancyguideonline.com, her poor elastic uterus is shifting up and forward, so it won’t be harassing her bladder as much. This means her daily trips to the toilet should dwindle considerably. (For now.) And nearly all of Babu’s organs have formed. The webbing between its fingers and toes has diappeared; its hair and nails are growing. And more good news! Around this time, our fetus has begun peeing freely in its amniotic fluid. We’re so proud…

7 years
ago

 

Week 10: Hopeless Dancers

Even the most graceful of women begin bumping into things when they’re pregnant. Sarah’s weight gain hasn’t even begun yet, but her joints are loosening up and her center of gravity is all over the place. Which made dancing at the wedding interesting. Even under the best of circumstances, Sarah and I are monumentally bad dancers, and we’ve managed to get even worse. We staked out our own spot on the floor and lumbered around in slow, small circles to minimize the damage…

7 years
ago

 

Week 10: Secrets and Lies

They say you spend a third of your life in bed. I’m convinced that pregnant women spend a third of theirs in the bathroom. No matter what time I wake up, be it midnight, 6 a.m., or 4 in the afternoon, Sarah’s never in bed. If I sit up I usually hear NPR coming from the bathroom radio. Why is this?

The answer is simple. The vomiting, the digestive issues, the impromptu baths, and the insatiable need to urinate make the bathroom the only logical room for her to spend time in. She has set up a little colony in there, the centerpiece of which is a basket full of Little House on the Prairie books and New Yorkers and cooking magazines next to the toilet. She’s read everything twice. I’m convinced if the bathroom had a refrigerator and a hammock she could live in there.

7 years
ago

 

Week 9: Sweet and Viscous

A word about breasts.

A lot of men out there are obsessed with them, which makes pregnancy the utopian ideal for a red-blooded male, because suddenly everything revolves around them. But it’s also the worst kind of catch-22, because your wife’s boobs are so sensitive you’re not allowed to touch them. Or point at them. Or look at them. I can’t stress this enough: Do not toy with your pregnant wife’s breasts…

7 years
ago

 

Week 8: The Emasculation Parade

My first step was to join the male equivalent, an Expectant Dads message board. I quickly found out that was different from Sarah’s. The men, unlike the women on Sarah’s good little Stepford Wives group, cut across all lines of age, education, ethnicity, and interest level in All Things Baby. And it is a freakshow. A 100 percent technicolor circus spectacle.

Some of these guys know nothing and are in honest need of guidance.

Others are there because it’s a safe place to badmouth their wife…