The wedding is about a month away, and I haven’t had an unaided night of sleep in weeks. My friends and my doctor have told me it’s perfectly normal to develop irrational anxieties before a wedding, as long as the panic has nothing to do with the decision to get married. Although I don’t have a single doubt about spending the rest of my life with The Fiancé, I’ve been a little apprehensive about the living together part—especially right now, when the two of us are still in a condo built for one.
I’ve mentioned before that we’ve been looking for a new place to live, but we recently decided to slow that process down until the wedding is over and our lives have calmed down. In the meantime, since The Fiancé’s lease is up at the end of the month, he’s been gradually moving in the rest of his man stuff—not the least of which is his shoe collection. Put it this way: He’s the male Imelda Marcos of sneakers. Impressive, I know, but this melding of worldly possessions has made our already cramped condo feel especially claustrophobic. We’ve had to get pretty creative with the rapidly accumulating Crate and Barrel boxes, one of which became an insta-breakfast table the other day. And since this is my first real go at living with a romantic partner, I’m still learning the ropes.
But then again, so is he. “What are you doing to your eyebrows?” he asked in horror the other day when I was seated in front of the magnifying mirror. There’s just no easy way to let a guy know you don’t wake up looking flawless in the morning. Some of us need to work at it, and I’m pretty certain none of us wants to explain it. Sure, some things should be kept sacred, but that’s not always possible in close quarters. Since I’ve given up trying to pretend that I’m perfect, I might as well ruin the mystery for the rest of you guys. Behold, ten things men should know about women:
10. Most women don’t have wash-’n'-go hair. And since it takes some of us a significant amount of time to blow dry said hair straight, we don’t wash it every day, a decision that requires the use of those items known as shower caps. Yes, we know they’re ugly.
9. Sometimes we wear zit medicine to bed. Because sometimes we get breakouts.
8. Women may have hair in peculiar places, including above the lip—but don’t ever call that a mustache. Ever.
7. Women pee sitting down. On a toilet seat. Preferably one that’s clean.
6. Don’t be misled: The Olympics do not represent a new status quo of TV sports viewing. When gymnastics ends, SportsCenter will not take its place.
5. Although you say you love it when we don’t wear makeup, you’re wrong. Even when you think we’re not wearing makeup, we’re wearing makeup.
4. When asked, “Which of my friends do you think are hot?,” there is only one correct answer: “None.”
3. If you’re getting ready at the same time, let the woman have the bathroom mirror first. Do not get in her way. This works out best for everyone. Trust me.
2. Although you have swapped saliva, toothbrushes are not meant to be shared.
1. When she’s arguing with her friend, your friend, or especially her mother, always take her side.
Guys, if you’ve got tips on what women should know about men, post away in the “Comments” section below.