Sunday night marked the long-anticipated return of an erstwhile Chicago celebrity to television. To the E! network audience, that person was Kristin Cavallari. But to greater Chicago, it was, of course, Cavallari’s grouchy-as-hell husband and former Bears quarterback Jay Cutler.
Two years out from his finale with the Bears (plus an ill-fated season in Miami), Cutler is settling into his role as side character on Cavallari's reality show. Nevertheless, at least in Episode 1, unwilling reality star Jay Cutler is far and away the most enticing reason to watch Very Cavallari.
To set the scene: Eight years after wrapping her claim-to-fame hit The Hills, reality stalwart Cavallari and her husband have settled in Nashville, where they’re raising their three young children, Camden, Jaxon, and Saylor. The kids don’t appear on camera because Kristin thinks they should make that decision for themselves. (You'd think withholding their vaccinations would cause more long term damage than the camera, but I digress.) Amid the drama is a newly retired Jay, the Shakespearean hero of Very Cavallari. Below, some tidbits we picked up about ol' Smokin' Jay last night.
He’s a branding mastermind
In the Very Cavalleri pilot, the family prepares to open Kristin’s new brick-and-mortar jewelry/home goods store, Uncommon James. Surprisingly, the shop's name was not spit out by an algorithm that generates white-people buzzwords. In fact, James is the middle name of Cutler and Cavallari's little girl, Saylor. And "Uncommon"? In a moment of genius, Jay comes up with it!
Our guy’s got a lot of time on his hands
Football ravages the body big time, and in his first year of proper retirement, Cutler is… chilling. In Very Cavallari's opening scene, the former QB references his sole obligation that day: a big 2:30 appointment that consists of fetching his sons from school. Ever the competitor, he quips, “I want to be first in line” at carpool. "Beat all the other moms there.”
Jay’s career after football: still TBD
— Kristin Cavallari (@KristinCav) 9 July 2018
He has no plans to have less time on his hands
Later in the episode, on a date with his wife, Jay admits to not having considered his post-NFL career whatsoever. Kristin warns that he’ll get bored quickly, which seems to come from a place of both genuine concern and distaste in watching her once-active husband schlub around and scowl at her friends and all day. “I’m not looking to do a lot of work right now,” says Jay. “I’m looking to do the exact opposite of that.” Same.
Kristin calls Jay “Les Mis”
Honestly? The thought of Jay Cutler and Anne Hathaway having anything to do with one another is irresistible, so I’m in support of this tribute to his grouchiness.
He’s got opinions about Kristin’s outfits
In a surprisingly charming scene, Kristin asks Jay for some fashion advice in her very beige walk-in closet. “I think I pick out 98 percent of your clothes,” Jay tells Kristin with scathing indifference. It seems to be how the couple flirts: Jay drags his knuckles around the house and Kristin teases him for doing so.
Dude has a thing for deer cams
In detailing how boring her ex-athlete husband’s life is, Kristin shares a deeply entertaining detail about Jay: “His latest thing is that he watches deer cams—live cams of deer eating out of a feeder. Not even on our property.”
We've yet to see footage of Jay watching the deer, but may we all pray it be shared with the American public. Also of note: Cutler wears some form of camouflage in nearly every scene of the show, and orders the “exotic game” while out to dinner with Kristin. And in the show's opening frame, he plops a cooler of slain elk onto their kitchen counter.
Yeah, Jay is terrifying
One of the episode's best lines comes from an employee of Cavallari's, Shannon, who's potentially emerging as the series villain: “I don’t even look at Jay in the eyes anymore because I’m honestly afraid he’ll steal my soul.” Jay, we can all assume, would have no reaction to this statement.
Don't look Jay in the eye or he might steal your soul #VeryCavallari pic.twitter.com/heTOy5WFgh
— Very Cavallari (@verycavallari) 1 July 2018
Jay’s all about female pleasure now
In the teaser for the upcoming season, Kristin dishes to a friend how great her marital sex life is. “Apparently," she says, "Jay read an article in GQ on how to go down on a girl." The only issue: That sounds an awful lot like this GQ article, published in February 2017, meaning the 35-year-old learned just learned this new trick approximately eighteen months ago. Better late than never!