• The field would have been built in a cornfield, where the ghost of Red Grange would have made occasional appearances — galloping, of course.

• The team’s Super Bowl trophy would have been replaced by a replica carved from butter.

• Defensive ends would have started politely saying “Ope!” after sacking quarterbacks.

• Restrooms would have become kybos.

• The team’s gambling partner would have been YouBet.

• Concession stands would have replaced Chicago-style hot dogs and Italian beef with deep-fried butter on a stick and loose meat sandwiches.

• The mascot would have switched from Staley Da Bear to Staley Da Pig, leading to an inevitable team name change.