We ran a story, around the time of the Chicago Auto Show, describing a few cars that could be the best vehicles on the market for a Chicago driver. All fine rides, sure. But there was always something missing.
So we started thinking—if you were truly building the Ultimate Chicago Car, what would you need? After a few hours at the sketchpad, this was the result. Two caveats: First, this car is not for sale (yet). And second, though the results may appear otherwise, we are not professional industrial designers.
In clockwise order, starting with the laser-studded headlights, here are the car’s 10 finest features:
- Laser Parking Guides: These bumper-mounted beams give you the courage to get close enough to parallel park properly, without leaving a half-car-length between you and the next car.
- Custom Megaphone: A programmable horn-based P/A that records up to 10 customized obscenities for drivers and pedestrians in your goddam way.
- Dashboard Mustard Dispenser: The LX edition features a wood-paneled sport pepper reservoir.
- Moonroof Flag Mount: A robust steel flag mount that rises through the top to unfurl full-size Bears/Cubs/Hawks/City of Chicago flags.
- Red Light Cam Smoke Screen: Obscures your license plate to thwart a red light camera as you blow through an intersection.
- Auto-Dibs: Built-in cones, buckets, and lawn chairs that deploy to call dibs when leaving a parking space. Operates year-round.
- Eisenhower Mode: Sets the car to weave in and out of traffic at 80 mph; activated by passing on the right in an on-ramp.
- Kennedy Mode: Sets the car to continually ride the brake at under 5 mph; activated by texting your boss or spouse to say you’ll be late (again).
- Pedestrian Detection System: Automatically accelerates when someone crosses the street in the distance. A really nice feature on Ashland and Western.
- Pothole Protection Plan: During the month of March, the car won’t start.