You may know me for my love for chicken, my crazy tweets, or one of the shows I host on YouTube. But here’s a little more info: I’m a huge Chicago Bulls fan. I grew up loving MJ and Scottie, seeing people all over the city going crazy for our three-peats. Hell, I was even in attendance during both the Tim Floyd and Bill Cartwright head coaching years. (Thank God for deliverance. Kinda.) So seeing as how the season is coming up, I thought it would be cool to write my own assessment of some of the key players and what we can expect to see this year.

Zach LaVine

Last season he did enough to be an all-star. So with a stat line of 24 points, 5 rebounds, and 5 assists per game, what was missing? Oh, WINNING GAMES! It’s not all on him, but as the go-to guy, he has to take some heat. I mean, Zach does tend to play like a 9-year-old is controlling him in NBA2K. But he’s only 24 — he can get better. I’d love to see him work on his playmaking ability and his shot IQ. He also needs to move better on defense — it’s like he’s playing the red-light-green-light game but stuck on red light.

Lauri Markkanen

I like his game. He can shoot and rebound, and he’s steadily improving. My biggest issue is he’s 7 feet tall and thinks he’s JJ Redick. It’s like he put on all that muscle just to shoot more threes. Get your big ass on the block and develop a lethal fade-away.

Tomas Satoransky

This was a good addition. He’s, like, 6-foot-5 and can play point. Most importantly, he can shoot. That’s something he needs to teach Ryan Arcidiacono.

Otto Porter

I liked the move to bring him over from Washington. He’s gotten better every year and has become a big threat from deep. But I’m surprised to see him try to break down defenders off the dribble. My man, you need to go to 2K’s MyPark and get some more 2K VC points to get that skill set.

Wendell Carter Jr.

Even though his first season was cut short, I see the potential. Great help defender, good rebounder, and he’s expanding his range. I really don’t have any knocks on his game. He’s what we call “solid.” Hopefully the goofies in the front office won’t trade him for another seventh pick. Lord knows we’ve had enough seventh picks, smh.

Kris Dunn

Bulls fans don’t typically enjoy his game, but I do. I think he was on his way to being a good player in this league before the universe decided he should taste the hardwood fried hard with extra mild sauce. Since then he’s been battling nagging injuries. We drafted a PG this summer, so the clock is ticking, Kris! I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s gone by the trade deadline.

Coby White

Yeah, I know the rookie went off for 29 points on Thursday. But that was against the Hawks. In the preseason. I’m not convinced he’s ready to start at PG for this team quite yet. I’ve seen Master P get buckets in the preseason, so that’s not saying much.

The rest of the team

I think we have a few good pieces in Thaddeus Young and Daniel Gafford. I definitely want to see Chandler Hutchison get more playing time, because people tell me he is a Kobe disciple. I must be Stevie Wonder or Ray Charles ’cuz I don’t see it. And Denzel Valentine? I watched him go scoreless in one preseason game, which makes me wonder: Did he lose his basketball powers after this?

The coaches like Ryan Arcidiacono because he controls the pace and has a great assist-to-turnover ratio. But, like, bro, can you hit a 3??? They say white men can’t jump but they are supposed to be able to shoot!


I don’t expect much out of this group of yes men, who seem obsessed more with conditioning than winning. CrossFit will not matter when Steph is pulling up shooting threes from Jamaica. This is the NBA, not a weightlifting competition. Work on your defensive schemes and figure out who’s starting at PG!

Front office

The worst people on the Bulls, other than Denzel Valentine, are John “I want to be the head coach” Paxson and his junior pimp, Gar “Whatever John says” Forman. Between trying to fight coaches and drafting Marquis Teague over Draymond Green (I’m still highly disgusted), these guys should’ve been fired years ago.


The main reason we don’t win is this group of people. They’re like the NFL of the NBA — they don’t care about anything but the money. As long as the seats are filled and the Reinsdorf family gets paid, nothing else matters. If we keep supporting this laughingstock of an organization under their leadership, we shall continue to suffer.

The bottom line

Thanks to the improvements we made in the offseason, I think we have enough to compete for the eight seed. With the exception of two teams, the Eastern Conference is like a pot roast in a crockpot — not tough at all. Then again, I could see us winning just 35 games and missing the playoffs. Just please don’t let us wind up with another seventh pick!