A local newspaper this week published yet another anti-cyclist commentary, and it just seemed so…inefficient. The same predictable column has been written hundreds of times, each triggering the same predictable cycle of outrage. Shouldn’t algorithms—machine learning, if you will—be able to write these for us by now?

Therefore I humbly offer the following template to any of my peers in local media, free to use any time there is a desperate need for content to be funneled and clicks to be baited.


Let me tell you, cyclists are such . This one time I drove in to the city from my home in and I saw someone on a bike . It made me feel so ! Bikes aren’t like cars, which , so it’s just not fair that . Therefore bikes should be . This will surely bring an end to all those times . Anyone who disagrees is probably just .