The other night, around 1 a.m., one of the little Closers started wailing. I faked sleep, and Mrs. Closer trundled off to soothe him. Next morning, I got a verbal beatdown from my wife. I responded that I’m better than 90 percent of new fathers, and she said, "Wanna bet?" Yes, I do. I devised a two-part test to measure a new father’s paternal chops: a questionnaire analyzing daddy knowledge and sensitivity, followed by a series of timed trials, each with its own point value. My wife administered my test, and I got eight other women to test their husbands. Each dad’s full questionnaire and scores in the 2008 World Sippy Cup are here at Chicagomag.com. (The print magazine for August had a selection of results for six of the nine men who participated.) 

FIRST PLACE

MATT M.
Community organizer, 37, Chicago

TOTAL SCORE: 69

As judged by his wife, Emily:
1. Does he know your child’s diaper size? Yes.
2. How many hours a night of sleep does your husband need? 7.
3. Does he know the size and consistency of your child’s last bowel movement? Yes, though it’s usually not a topic of conversation.
4. Did he put together the crib? Yes.
5. Does he have any skills the kid adores? Dancing to "Inside and Out" by Feist.
6. What would he do if there were a big game the same day as a party your kid was invited to? Go to the party and periodically check the TV.
7. Has he ever grocery shopped alone with the kid? Yes. Trader Joe’s on Saturday mornings.
8. Did he call you while he was there? Frequently.
9. Who does the bulk of the disciplining in your home? 60% me, 40% Matt.
10. If you were to ask him to get the wipes, could he find them without help? Yes.
11. How many different characters can he name from Thomas the Tank Engine? 1.
12. Does he know your child’s favorite book? Yes.
13. Does he know your child’s blood type? No.
14. Has he ever referred to time with your child as "babysitting"? No.
15. When the kid cries in the middle of the night, does he fake sleep? Not sure. Definitely needs to be told it’s his turn to go.
16. When you come home from a day out, does he head to the bathroom before the kids get their needs met? No.
17. On a scale of 1 to 10, how involved has he been in potty training your child (10 being totally involved, 1 being utterly uninterested)? 6.
18. Has he ever expressed violent emotions toward Raffi, Elmo, or The Wiggles? No, but we don’t listen to "Willaby Wallaby Woo" much anymore.
19. How does he do in the security line at the airport? He folds up the stroller and loads the bins. He is a pretty good sport about it.
20. How fast can he:
a) change a diaper (pee)? 19.7 seconds.
b) change a diaper (poo)? 47.3 seconds. He generally changes them without thinking twice that it’s his responsibility. Of course, it is not uncommon for me to find small tied-up plastic bags with a poopy diaper in random places around the house.
c) get kid dressed? 31 seconds.
d) assemble Pack ‘n Play? 14.1 seconds.
e) disassemble Pack ‘n Play? 26.4 seconds.
f) buckle kid into car? 15 seconds.
g) find small baggie of crushed Goldfish in packed diaper bag (estimation)? If I put them there Matt will NEVER find them. If he puts them there, there is a 75% chance he’ll forget about them.
21. Anything else? Matt bathed Lucy in 1 minute and 8 seconds, but I docked him 10 seconds for not cleaning her feet. Or legs.

NOTE: Matt works like a maniac and still managed to win the 2008 Sippy Cup. He is universally detested by the rest of us for setting the bar so high.

SECOND PLACE

TOTAL SCORE: 67.5

JASON
Teacher, 34, Akita, Japan

As judged by his wife, Tricia:
1. Does he know your child’s diaper size? Yes.
2. How many hours a night of sleep does your husband need? 6.
3. Does he know the size and consistency of your child’s last bowel movement? He says he doesn’t talk about his own BMs, so why would he discuss Jonas’s?
4. Did he put together the crib? We did it together. He put the screws in the wrong place.
5. Does he have any skills the kid adores? Juggling, Nintendo DS, throwing him on futons.
6. What would he do if there were a big game the same day as a party your kid was invited to? He would think of something in terms of bartering.
7. Has he ever grocery shopped alone with the kid? Many times. He used to stick Jonas in the BabyBjörn and walk around stores.
8. Did he call you while he was there? No.
9. Who does the bulk of the disciplining in your home? Me. But when necessary, Jason "will bring down the thunder." (That is what he calls it.)
10. If you were to ask him to get the wipes, could he find them without help? Yes, but we do live in a tiny apartment.
11. How many different characters can he name from Thomas the Tank Engine? Probably just Thomas. We are not a Thomas family.
12. Does he know your child’s favorite book? Yes.
13. Does he know your child’s blood type? No.
14. Has he ever referred to time with your child as "babysitting"? No.
15. When the kid cries in the middle of the night, does he fake sleep? No.
16. When you come home from a day out, does he head to the bathroom before the kids get their needs met? I have honestly never noticed.
17. On a scale of 1 to 10, how involved has he been in potty training your child (10 being totally involved, 1 being utterly uninterested)? 6.
18. Has he ever expressed violent emotions toward Raffi, Elmo, or The Wiggles? No. I have heard him hum the Wiggles theme song, but that song is hard to get out of your head.
19. How does he do in the security line at the airport? He can get a little bossy, but overall he does fine.
20. How fast can he:
a) change a diaper (pee)? 30 seconds.
b) change a diaper (poo)? 1:45. He says it’s like handling radioactive waste: Slow and steady wins the race. He also claimed that Jonas had a leaf stuck to his butt.
c) get kid dressed? 20 seconds.
d) assemble Pack ‘n Play? 18 seconds. "I could do this in my sleep," he said. "I have done this in my sleep."
e) disassemble Pack ‘n Play? 36 seconds.
f) buckle kid into car? 13.5 seconds.
g) find small baggie of crushed Goldfish in packed diaper bag (estimation)? 42 seconds.
21. Anything else? If Jonas cries in the night, Jason gets up about 90 percent of the time.

Note: Jason is a tireless, creative father. He also placed high in the 2008 Japanese World Sippy Cup, a.k.a. the Kappu Otosan.

THIRD PLACE

TOTAL SCORE: 62

SCOTT
Real-estate attorney, 31, La Grange

As judged by his wife, Tasha:
1. Does he know your child’s diaper size? Yes. He knows her weight and everything.
2. How many hours a night of sleep does your husband need? 8.
3. Does he know the size and consistency of your child’s last bowel movement? Yes, but she’s breastfed, so it’s always the same.
4. Did he put together the crib? Without directions. But he did it in the dining room so he could watch the Cubs, and it wouldn’t fit through the nursery door.
5. Does he have any skills the kid adores? I don’t know if it’s a skill, but he managed to turn Car Talk on NPR into a special daddy/daughter activity.
6. What would he do if there were a big game the same day as a party your kid was invited to? Send me alone or verify that the game was going to be playing at the party.
7. Has he ever grocery shopped alone with the kid? With both kids. He even made his own list!
8. Did he call you while he was there? No.
9. Who does the bulk of the disciplining in your home? Whoever sees the crime committed.
10. If you were to ask him to get the wipes, could he find them without help? Yes.
11. How many different characters can he name from Thomas the Tank Engine? 5.
12. Does he know your child’s favorite book? She doesn’t have one, and he knows this.
13. Does he know your child’s blood type? No.
14. Has he ever referred to time with your child as "babysitting"? No, but I have.
15. When the kid cries in the middle of the night, does he fake sleep? No. He’s usually up and into their room before I am.
16. When you come home from a day out, does he head to the bathroom before the kids get their needs met? No.
17. On a scale of 1 to 10, how involved has he been in potty training your child (10 being totally involved, 1 being utterly uninterested)? 9.
18. Has he ever expressed violent emotions toward Raffi, Elmo, or The Wiggles? No. He even planned a vacation to Beaches in Jamaica so the kid could hang with Elmo for a week. The golf course nearby might have also had something to do with it.
19. How does he do in the security line at the airport? Not so good. Usually it is me balancing babies, strollers, shoes, etc.
20. How fast can he:
a) change a diaper (pee)? 1:20.
b) change a diaper (poo)? 1:52. He does it with cotton and water to oblige my need to avoid chemicals on my babe’s skin.
c) get kid dressed? 46 seconds.
d) assemble Pack ‘n Play? 28 seconds.
e) disassemble Pack ‘n Play? 42 seconds.
f) buckle kid into car? 51 seconds.
g) find small baggie of crushed Goldfish in packed diaper bag (estimation)? 4 seconds. And it was way at the bottom.
21. Anything else? In the middle of the skills test Scott started huffing at Delaney for putting her toes in her mouth: "Daddy’s going to lose the championship because of this!"

Note: Scott lost the championship because of his times in the skills test.

FOURTH PLACE

TOTAL SCORE: 54

MATT G.
Sales director, 37, Chicago

As judged by his wife, Kathryn:
1. Does he know your child’s diaper size? Yes.
2. How many hours a night of sleep does your husband need? 7.
3. Does he know the size and consistency of your child’s last bowel movement? Yes.
4. Did he put together the crib? No.
5. Does he have any skills the kid adores? Dancing, singing songs about Mallory.
6. What would he do if there were a big game the same day as a party your kid was invited to? Go to the party and TiVo the game.
7. Has he ever grocery shopped alone with the kid? Yes, and to Lowe’s, Nordstrom, Target, and the mall.
8. Did he call you while he was there? No.
9. Who does the bulk of the disciplining in your home? Me.
10. If you were to ask him to get the wipes, could he find them without help? Yes.
11. How many different characters can he name from Thomas the Tank Engine? 0. Mallory is too young for Thomas.
12. Does he know your child’s favorite book? Yes.
13. Does he know your child’s blood type? No. I don’t know it, either.
14. Has he ever referred to time with your child as "babysitting"? No. Matt calls it "hanging out with the Mal Pal."
15. When the kid cries in the middle of the night, does he fake sleep? No.
16. When you come home from a day out, does he head to the bathroom before the kids get their needs met? No, but Matt does require that I cook dinner for him and Mallory as soon as I get home after a long day at work.
17. On a scale of 1 to 10, how involved has he been in potty training your child (10 being totally involved, 1 being utterly uninterested)? [Not applicable.]
18. Has he ever expressed violent emotions toward Raffi, Elmo, or The Wiggles? No.
19. How does he do in the security line at the airport? Fine.
20. How fast can he:
a) change a diaper (pee)? 1:25.
b) change a diaper (poo)? 1:45.
c) get kid dressed? 2:14.
d) assemble Pack ‘n Play? Has never done it.
e) disassemble Pack ‘n Play? Has never done it. I always do it. I really should have Matt give it a try, but at this point it is so much faster for me to just do it.
f) buckle kid into car? 15 seconds.
g) find small baggie of crushed Goldfish in packed diaper bag (estimation)? 25 seconds.
21. Anything else? Matt put Mallory to sleep between the ages of 4 and 12 months when I was traveling for work. They had a cute routine of looking out the window before putting her to sleep each night.

NOTE: Matt may hold the distinction of being the contestant most adored by his wife. That said, his ranking was seriously hurt by his lack of Pack ‘n Play experience.

FIFTH PLACE

TOTAL SCORE: 45

THE CLOSER
Journalist, 36, Chicago

As judged by his wife, Sarah:
1. Does he know your child’s diaper size? No. 3T is not even a diaper size.
2. How many hours a night of sleep does your husband need? 9, and he’s still grumpy.
3. Does he know the size and consistency of your child’s last bowel movement? In scary detail. 
4. Did he put together the crib? No.
5. Does he have any skills the kid adores? Dancing crazy, singing books, playing records.
6. What would he do if there were a big game the same day as a party your kid was invited to? Gripe. Then go to the party.
7. Has he ever grocery shopped alone with the kid? No. I don’t think he’s ever shopped alone with me, either.
8. Did he call you while he was there? That would mean having a charged cell phone.
9. Who does the bulk of the disciplining in your home? Me.
10. If you were to ask him to get the wipes, could he find them without help? No. He claims I hide them from him.
11. How many different characters can he name from Thomas the Tank Engine? 10.
12. Does he know your child’s favorite book? Yes.
13. Does he know your child’s blood type? Who does?
14. Has he ever referred to time with your child as "babysitting"? Yes, but Hannah likes that because then she gets to watch a video.
15. When the kid cries in the middle of the night, does he fake sleep? No. He fakes it in the morning.
16. When you come home from a day out, does he head to the bathroom before the kids get their needs met? He has gotten better about this.
17. On a scale of 1 to 10, how involved has he been in potty training your child (10 being totally involved, 1 being utterly uninterested)? -22. He is counterproductive.
18. Has he ever expressed violent emotions toward Raffi, Elmo, or The Wiggles? He loves Elmo.
19. How does he do in the security line at the airport? Man, we are a smooth-running machine.
20. How fast can he:
a) change a diaper (pee)? 38 seconds.
b) change a diaper (poo)? 58 seconds. Does the time spent bitching before and after count?
c) get kid dressed? 2 minutes.
d) assemble Pack ‘n Play? 10 seconds. He is amazing.
e) disassemble Pack ‘n Play? 20 seconds.
f) buckle kid into car? 1:12, and the straps are still too loose.
g) find small baggie of crushed Goldfish in packed diaper bag (estimation)? Never.
21. Anything else? Jeff is good at defusing temper tantrums with his antics.

Note: The Closer wishes he had never suggested this column.

SIXTH PLACE

TOTAL SCORE: 43

JEFF V.
Business operations manager, 35, East Bay, California

As judged by his wife, Kathleen:
1. Does he know your child’s diaper size? Yes. He even elaborated and called them "King Kong Size."
2. How many hours a night of sleep does your husband need? 5.
3. Does he know the size and consistency of your child’s last bowel movement? No.
4. Did he put together the crib? Yes, with minimal swearing.
5. Does he have any skills the kid adores? Stealing her nose, swinging her around.
6. What would he do if there were a big game the same day as a party your kid was invited to? Amelia would be out of luck. Though I would probably stay home, too.
7. Has he ever grocery shopped alone with the kid? All the time. He actually does most of the shopping.
8. Did he call you while he was there? Sometimes.
9. Who does the bulk of the disciplining in your home? Probably me, though he has less patience.
10. If you were to ask him to get the wipes, could he find them without help? Yes.
11. How many different characters can he name from Thomas the Tank Engine? 1.
12. Does he know your child’s favorite book? Yes.
13. Does he know your child’s blood type? Yes.
14. Has he ever referred to time with your child as "babysitting"? Yes. So annoying.
15. When the kid cries in the middle of the night, does he fake sleep? No.
16. When you come home from a day out, does he head to the bathroom before the kids get their needs met? Get home from a day out? Ha!
17. On a scale of 1 to 10, how involved has he been in potty training your child (10 being totally involved, 1 being utterly uninterested)? I would say a 9 so far, but we are early in the process.
18. Has he ever expressed violent emotions toward Raffi, Elmo, or The Wiggles? He just called Elmo an "inane, possibly mentally disabled, red Muppet."
19. How does he do in the security line at the airport? Fine.
20. How fast can he:
a) change a diaper (pee)? 1 minute.
b) change a diaper (poo)? 3 or 4 minutes, and I usually help if I’m around.
c) get kid dressed? 5 minutes. But the outfit matching/coordinating is another story.
d) assemble Pack ‘n Play? 1 minute.
e) disassemble Pack ‘n Play? 1 minute.
f) buckle kid into car? 30 seconds.
g) find small baggie of crushed Goldfish in packed diaper bag (estimation)? Probably wouldn’t find it.
21. Anything else? We have been to two Wiggles concerts. He’ll kill me for saying so, but he loves the bass line in "The Monkey Dance."

Note: Jeff V. was the only father in this competition who knew his child’s blood type. Most of the mothers didn’t, either.

SEVENTH PLACE

TOTAL SCORE: 34

MARK
Teacher, 40, Chicago

As judged by his wife, Melissa:
1. Does he know your child’s diaper size? He pulled this one out after a long, long pause.
2. How many hours a night of sleep does your husband need? 7.
3. Does he know the size and consistency of your child’s last bowel movement? Yes, although that’s a bit of a fluke. I change more poops.
4. Did he put together the crib? No.
5. Does he have any skills the kid adores? Double takes.
6. What would he do if there were a big game the same day as a party your kid was invited to? Thank God Mark doesn’t like sports.
7. Has he ever grocery shopped alone with the kid? Yes, he actually likes doing this.
8. Did he call you while he was there? No.
9. Who does the bulk of the disciplining in your home? This is actually about 50-50.
10. If you were to ask him to get the wipes, could he find them without help? Yes.
11. How many different characters can he name from Thomas the Tank Engine? [Our son] Noam doesn’t even know the characters from TTE.
12. Does he know your child’s favorite book? Yes.
13. Does he know your child’s blood type? No.
14. Has he ever referred to time with your child as "babysitting"? If he did, he would have to find another place to sleep.
15. When the kid cries in the middle of the night, does he fake sleep? Not exactly. More like he moves so slowly that I just end up getting up first.
16. When you come home from a day out, does he head to the bathroom before the kids get their needs met? Either that, or to check his email or get a glass of water.
17. On a scale of 1 to 10, how involved has he been in potty training your child (10 being totally involved, 1 being utterly uninterested)? [Not applicable.]
18. Has he ever expressed violent emotions toward Raffi, Elmo, or The Wiggles? He HATES children’s music. Noam listens to a lot of Beatles, Barenaked Ladies, Bruce Springsteen, etc.
19. How does he do in the security line at the airport? Pretty well, actually.
20. How fast can he:
a) change a diaper (pee)? 1:35.
b) change a diaper (poo)? 1:55.
c) get kid dressed? 2:00.
d) assemble Pack ‘n Play? 25 seconds.
e) disassemble Pack ‘n Play? 1:45.
f) buckle kid into car? 30 seconds.
g) find small baggie of crushed Goldfish in packed diaper bag (estimation)? About 5 seconds. The bag wasn’t very full.
21. Anything else? Mark is good at getting Noam dressed fast, but the clothes never match. Yellow and blue stripes do not go with orange, capisce?

Note: Mark’s low placement on this test was a mystery. The judges are looking into the possibility that the test had some kind of hidden cultural bias.

EIGHTH PLACE

TOTAL SCORE: 15.5

DUFF
Internal marketing consultant, 35, Sydney, Australia

As judged by his wife, Sukoshi:
1. Does he know your child’s diaper size? Not even close.
2. How many hours a night of sleep does your husband need? 8 or more.
3. Does he know the size and consistency of your child’s last bowel movement? No.
4. Did he put together the crib? Yes. He even put an Exersaucer together with the directions in Mandarin.
5. Does he have any skills the kid adores? Making trumpet noises, making a Transformers character out of grilled cheese.
6. What would he do if there were a big game the same day as a party your kid was invited to? He’ll say he has a "work thing" to do. Only when I see him prostrate on the couch do I know that it was a "bullshit thing."
7. Has he ever grocery shopped alone with the kid? Not sure if you would call it "grocery shopping."
8. Did he call you while he was there? Yes, he calls me like a stalker.
9. Who does the bulk of the disciplining in your home? Mom and Mom.
10. If you were to ask him to get the wipes, could he find them without help? He could find them but he would not put them back.
11. How many different characters can he name from Thomas the Tank Engine? 5.
12. Does he know your child’s favorite book? Yes.
13. Does he know your child’s blood type? No.
14. Has he ever referred to time with your child as "babysitting"? No.
15. When the kid cries in the middle of the night, does he fake sleep? He’s not faking. He really is sleeping.
16. When you come home from a day out, does he head to the bathroom before the kids get their needs met? Yes. So annoying.
17. On a scale of 1 to 10, how involved has he been in potty training your child (10 being totally involved, 1 being utterly uninterested)? A solid 8. He gets a 10 for effort.
18. Has he ever expressed violent emotions toward Raffi, Elmo, or The Wiggles?
He cannot stand Sesame Street. He also thinks the characters act too wild. This coming from a guy who screams, "Make Mommy nervous time!" as he throws the kids up into the air.
19. How does he do in the security line at the airport? We’re getting better. He used to have rage attacks.
20. How fast can he:
a) change a diaper (pee)? 2:48.
b) change a diaper (poo)? 5:00. He goes into the project with confidence, but usually I have to redo it.
c) get kid dressed? Has never happened.
d) assemble Pack ‘n Play? 1:06.
e) disassemble Pack ‘n Play? 1:30.
f) buckle kid into car? 20 seconds.
g) find small baggie of crushed Goldfish in packed diaper bag (estimation)? Never.
21. Anything else? The one time he grocery shopped with the kid, they came home with pure crap. When I asked my three-year-old what they got for dinner, he said, "Starbursts."

Note: Duff may sound pretty rough on paper, but Sukoshi claims that tests can’t capture his essence. "My husband defies most traditional ‘fatherly’ stereotypes," she says. "However, this does not exclude him from being a complete pain in the ass sometimes."

NINTH PLACE

TOTAL SCORE: 8

JAY
Class-action attorney, 35, Chicago

As judged by his wife, Dana:
1. Does he know your child’s diaper size? He’s close.
2. How many hours a night of sleep does your husband need? 9 to 10.
3. Does he know the size and consistency of your child’s last bowel movement? No.
4. Did he put together the crib? He doesn’t know where the screwdriver is.
5. Does he have any skills the kid adores? Juggling
6. What would he do if there were a big game the same day as a party your kid was invited to? Makes no difference if there isn’t a big game. I take them.
7. Has he ever grocery shopped alone with the kid? Yes, when I was out of town.
8. Did he call you while he was there? No.
9. Who does the bulk of the disciplining in your home? Does discipline include putting the kids in front of the TV? If not, then me.
10. If you were to ask him to get the wipes, could he find them without help? Yes.
11. How many different characters can he name from Thomas the Tank Engine? [See #21.]
12. Does he know your child’s favorite book? Yes.
13. Does he know your child’s blood type? No.
14. Has he ever referred to time with your child as "babysitting"? Routinely.
15. When the kid cries in the middle of the night, does he fake sleep? Yes.
16. When you come home from a day out, does he head to the bathroom before the kids get their needs met? No.
17. On a scale of 1 to 10, how involved has he been in potty training your child (10 being totally involved, 1 being utterly uninterested)? Can I use negative numbers?
18. Has he ever expressed violent emotions toward Raffi, Elmo, or The Wiggles? No.
19. How does he do in the security line at the airport? He’s got some game in the security line. He can even convince the security folks to let the kids keep their 4-ounce yogurts.
20. How fast can he:
a) change a diaper (pee)? 3 minutes.
b) change a diaper (poo)? 5 minutes. He couldn’t work the Diaper Genie and left the dirty diaper and wipes on top of it. Amazing how a brilliant lawyer can be such a bozo with a plastic gadget that he uses daily.
c) get kid dressed? 7 minutes.
d) assemble Pack ‘n Play? Tried for three minutes then gave up when he couldn’t get the side arms to lock.
e) disassemble Pack ‘n Play? Then he made me put it away.
f) buckle kid into car? 25 seconds.
g) find small baggie of crushed Goldfish in packed diaper bag (estimation)? Never.
21. Anything else? The only reason Jay knows Thomas the Tank Engine is because he sued them.

Note: Jay suffered greatly during the administering of this test. "You have no idea how much I do around here," Dana snapped following Jay’s Pack ‘n Play disgrace. His punishment was severe. "I ended up going to three birthday parties last weekend because of your stupid test," he told me.

Note #2: Jay most likely earns more money than the rest of the fathers combined.