Men Behaving Dadly

Can something as complex as a father's skill be measured? Yes, it can.

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SECOND PLACE

TOTAL SCORE: 67.5

JASON
Teacher, 34, Akita, Japan

As judged by his wife, Tricia:
1. Does he know your child's diaper size? Yes.
2. How many hours a night of sleep does your husband need? 6.
3. Does he know the size and consistency of your child's last bowel movement? He says he doesn't talk about his own BMs, so why would he discuss Jonas's?
4. Did he put together the crib? We did it together. He put the screws in the wrong place.
5. Does he have any skills the kid adores? Juggling, Nintendo DS, throwing him on futons.
6. What would he do if there were a big game the same day as a party your kid was invited to? He would think of something in terms of bartering.
7. Has he ever grocery shopped alone with the kid? Many times. He used to stick Jonas in the BabyBjörn and walk around stores.
8. Did he call you while he was there? No.
9. Who does the bulk of the disciplining in your home? Me. But when necessary, Jason "will bring down the thunder." (That is what he calls it.)
10. If you were to ask him to get the wipes, could he find them without help? Yes, but we do live in a tiny apartment.
11. How many different characters can he name from Thomas the Tank Engine? Probably just Thomas. We are not a Thomas family.
12. Does he know your child's favorite book? Yes.
13. Does he know your child's blood type? No.
14. Has he ever referred to time with your child as "babysitting"? No.
15. When the kid cries in the middle of the night, does he fake sleep? No.
16. When you come home from a day out, does he head to the bathroom before the kids get their needs met? I have honestly never noticed.
17. On a scale of 1 to 10, how involved has he been in potty training your child (10 being totally involved, 1 being utterly uninterested)? 6.
18. Has he ever expressed violent emotions toward Raffi, Elmo, or The Wiggles? No. I have heard him hum the Wiggles theme song, but that song is hard to get out of your head.
19. How does he do in the security line at the airport? He can get a little bossy, but overall he does fine.
20. How fast can he:
a) change a diaper (pee)? 30 seconds.
b) change a diaper (poo)? 1:45. He says it's like handling radioactive waste: Slow and steady wins the race. He also claimed that Jonas had a leaf stuck to his butt.
c) get kid dressed? 20 seconds.
d) assemble Pack 'n Play? 18 seconds. "I could do this in my sleep," he said. "I have done this in my sleep."
e) disassemble Pack 'n Play? 36 seconds.
f) buckle kid into car? 13.5 seconds.
g) find small baggie of crushed Goldfish in packed diaper bag (estimation)? 42 seconds.
21. Anything else? If Jonas cries in the night, Jason gets up about 90 percent of the time.

Note: Jason is a tireless, creative father. He also placed high in the 2008 Japanese World Sippy Cup, a.k.a. the Kappu Otosan.

This article appears in the August 2008 issue of Chicago Magazine.

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