Men Behaving Dadly

Can something as complex as a father's skill be measured? Yes, it can.

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FOURTH PLACE

TOTAL SCORE: 54

MATT G.
Sales director, 37, Chicago

As judged by his wife, Kathryn:
1. Does he know your child's diaper size? Yes.
2. How many hours a night of sleep does your husband need? 7.
3. Does he know the size and consistency of your child's last bowel movement? Yes.
4. Did he put together the crib? No.
5. Does he have any skills the kid adores? Dancing, singing songs about Mallory.
6. What would he do if there were a big game the same day as a party your kid was invited to? Go to the party and TiVo the game.
7. Has he ever grocery shopped alone with the kid? Yes, and to Lowe's, Nordstrom, Target, and the mall.
8. Did he call you while he was there? No.
9. Who does the bulk of the disciplining in your home? Me.
10. If you were to ask him to get the wipes, could he find them without help? Yes.
11. How many different characters can he name from Thomas the Tank Engine? 0. Mallory is too young for Thomas.
12. Does he know your child's favorite book? Yes.
13. Does he know your child's blood type? No. I don't know it, either.
14. Has he ever referred to time with your child as "babysitting"? No. Matt calls it "hanging out with the Mal Pal."
15. When the kid cries in the middle of the night, does he fake sleep? No.
16. When you come home from a day out, does he head to the bathroom before the kids get their needs met? No, but Matt does require that I cook dinner for him and Mallory as soon as I get home after a long day at work.
17. On a scale of 1 to 10, how involved has he been in potty training your child (10 being totally involved, 1 being utterly uninterested)? [Not applicable.]
18. Has he ever expressed violent emotions toward Raffi, Elmo, or The Wiggles? No.
19. How does he do in the security line at the airport? Fine.
20. How fast can he:
a) change a diaper (pee)? 1:25.
b) change a diaper (poo)? 1:45.
c) get kid dressed? 2:14.
d) assemble Pack 'n Play? Has never done it.
e) disassemble Pack 'n Play? Has never done it. I always do it. I really should have Matt give it a try, but at this point it is so much faster for me to just do it.
f) buckle kid into car? 15 seconds.
g) find small baggie of crushed Goldfish in packed diaper bag (estimation)? 25 seconds.
21. Anything else? Matt put Mallory to sleep between the ages of 4 and 12 months when I was traveling for work. They had a cute routine of looking out the window before putting her to sleep each night.

NOTE: Matt may hold the distinction of being the contestant most adored by his wife. That said, his ranking was seriously hurt by his lack of Pack 'n Play experience.

This article appears in the August 2008 issue of Chicago Magazine.

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