Men Behaving Dadly

Can something as complex as a father's skill be measured? Yes, it can.

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FIFTH PLACE

TOTAL SCORE: 45

THE CLOSER
Journalist, 36, Chicago

As judged by his wife, Sarah:
1. Does he know your child's diaper size? No. 3T is not even a diaper size.
2. How many hours a night of sleep does your husband need? 9, and he's still grumpy.
3. Does he know the size and consistency of your child's last bowel movement? In scary detail. 
4. Did he put together the crib? No.
5. Does he have any skills the kid adores? Dancing crazy, singing books, playing records.
6. What would he do if there were a big game the same day as a party your kid was invited to? Gripe. Then go to the party.
7. Has he ever grocery shopped alone with the kid? No. I don't think he's ever shopped alone with me, either.
8. Did he call you while he was there? That would mean having a charged cell phone.
9. Who does the bulk of the disciplining in your home? Me.
10. If you were to ask him to get the wipes, could he find them without help? No. He claims I hide them from him.
11. How many different characters can he name from Thomas the Tank Engine? 10.
12. Does he know your child's favorite book? Yes.
13. Does he know your child's blood type? Who does?
14. Has he ever referred to time with your child as "babysitting"? Yes, but Hannah likes that because then she gets to watch a video.
15. When the kid cries in the middle of the night, does he fake sleep? No. He fakes it in the morning.
16. When you come home from a day out, does he head to the bathroom before the kids get their needs met? He has gotten better about this.
17. On a scale of 1 to 10, how involved has he been in potty training your child (10 being totally involved, 1 being utterly uninterested)? -22. He is counterproductive.
18. Has he ever expressed violent emotions toward Raffi, Elmo, or The Wiggles? He loves Elmo.
19. How does he do in the security line at the airport? Man, we are a smooth-running machine.
20. How fast can he:
a) change a diaper (pee)? 38 seconds.
b) change a diaper (poo)? 58 seconds. Does the time spent bitching before and after count?
c) get kid dressed? 2 minutes.
d) assemble Pack 'n Play? 10 seconds. He is amazing.
e) disassemble Pack 'n Play? 20 seconds.
f) buckle kid into car? 1:12, and the straps are still too loose.
g) find small baggie of crushed Goldfish in packed diaper bag (estimation)? Never.
21. Anything else? Jeff is good at defusing temper tantrums with his antics.

Note: The Closer wishes he had never suggested this column.

This article appears in the August 2008 issue of Chicago Magazine.

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