Men Behaving Dadly

Can something as complex as a father's skill be measured? Yes, it can.

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SIXTH PLACE

TOTAL SCORE: 43

JEFF V.
Business operations manager, 35, East Bay, California

As judged by his wife, Kathleen:
1. Does he know your child's diaper size? Yes. He even elaborated and called them "King Kong Size."
2. How many hours a night of sleep does your husband need? 5.
3. Does he know the size and consistency of your child's last bowel movement? No.
4. Did he put together the crib? Yes, with minimal swearing.
5. Does he have any skills the kid adores? Stealing her nose, swinging her around.
6. What would he do if there were a big game the same day as a party your kid was invited to? Amelia would be out of luck. Though I would probably stay home, too.
7. Has he ever grocery shopped alone with the kid? All the time. He actually does most of the shopping.
8. Did he call you while he was there? Sometimes.
9. Who does the bulk of the disciplining in your home? Probably me, though he has less patience.
10. If you were to ask him to get the wipes, could he find them without help? Yes.
11. How many different characters can he name from Thomas the Tank Engine? 1.
12. Does he know your child's favorite book? Yes.
13. Does he know your child's blood type? Yes.
14. Has he ever referred to time with your child as "babysitting"? Yes. So annoying.
15. When the kid cries in the middle of the night, does he fake sleep? No.
16. When you come home from a day out, does he head to the bathroom before the kids get their needs met? Get home from a day out? Ha!
17. On a scale of 1 to 10, how involved has he been in potty training your child (10 being totally involved, 1 being utterly uninterested)? I would say a 9 so far, but we are early in the process.
18. Has he ever expressed violent emotions toward Raffi, Elmo, or The Wiggles? He just called Elmo an "inane, possibly mentally disabled, red Muppet."
19. How does he do in the security line at the airport? Fine.
20. How fast can he:
a) change a diaper (pee)? 1 minute.
b) change a diaper (poo)? 3 or 4 minutes, and I usually help if I'm around.
c) get kid dressed? 5 minutes. But the outfit matching/coordinating is another story.
d) assemble Pack 'n Play? 1 minute.
e) disassemble Pack 'n Play? 1 minute.
f) buckle kid into car? 30 seconds.
g) find small baggie of crushed Goldfish in packed diaper bag (estimation)? Probably wouldn't find it.
21. Anything else? We have been to two Wiggles concerts. He'll kill me for saying so, but he loves the bass line in "The Monkey Dance."

Note: Jeff V. was the only father in this competition who knew his child's blood type. Most of the mothers didn't, either.

This article appears in the August 2008 issue of Chicago Magazine.

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