Men Behaving Dadly

Can something as complex as a father's skill be measured? Yes, it can.

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SEVENTH PLACE

TOTAL SCORE: 34

MARK
Teacher, 40, Chicago

As judged by his wife, Melissa:
1. Does he know your child's diaper size? He pulled this one out after a long, long pause.
2. How many hours a night of sleep does your husband need? 7.
3. Does he know the size and consistency of your child's last bowel movement? Yes, although that's a bit of a fluke. I change more poops.
4. Did he put together the crib? No.
5. Does he have any skills the kid adores? Double takes.
6. What would he do if there were a big game the same day as a party your kid was invited to? Thank God Mark doesn't like sports.
7. Has he ever grocery shopped alone with the kid? Yes, he actually likes doing this.
8. Did he call you while he was there? No.
9. Who does the bulk of the disciplining in your home? This is actually about 50-50.
10. If you were to ask him to get the wipes, could he find them without help? Yes.
11. How many different characters can he name from Thomas the Tank Engine? [Our son] Noam doesn't even know the characters from TTE.
12. Does he know your child's favorite book? Yes.
13. Does he know your child's blood type? No.
14. Has he ever referred to time with your child as "babysitting"? If he did, he would have to find another place to sleep.
15. When the kid cries in the middle of the night, does he fake sleep? Not exactly. More like he moves so slowly that I just end up getting up first.
16. When you come home from a day out, does he head to the bathroom before the kids get their needs met? Either that, or to check his email or get a glass of water.
17. On a scale of 1 to 10, how involved has he been in potty training your child (10 being totally involved, 1 being utterly uninterested)? [Not applicable.]
18. Has he ever expressed violent emotions toward Raffi, Elmo, or The Wiggles? He HATES children's music. Noam listens to a lot of Beatles, Barenaked Ladies, Bruce Springsteen, etc.
19. How does he do in the security line at the airport? Pretty well, actually.
20. How fast can he:
a) change a diaper (pee)? 1:35.
b) change a diaper (poo)? 1:55.
c) get kid dressed? 2:00.
d) assemble Pack 'n Play? 25 seconds.
e) disassemble Pack 'n Play? 1:45.
f) buckle kid into car? 30 seconds.
g) find small baggie of crushed Goldfish in packed diaper bag (estimation)? About 5 seconds. The bag wasn't very full.
21. Anything else? Mark is good at getting Noam dressed fast, but the clothes never match. Yellow and blue stripes do not go with orange, capisce?

Note: Mark's low placement on this test was a mystery. The judges are looking into the possibility that the test had some kind of hidden cultural bias.

This article appears in the August 2008 issue of Chicago Magazine.

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