Men Behaving Dadly

Can something as complex as a father's skill be measured? Yes, it can.

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EIGHTH PLACE

TOTAL SCORE: 15.5

DUFF
Internal marketing consultant, 35, Sydney, Australia

As judged by his wife, Sukoshi:
1. Does he know your child's diaper size? Not even close.
2. How many hours a night of sleep does your husband need? 8 or more.
3. Does he know the size and consistency of your child's last bowel movement? No.
4. Did he put together the crib? Yes. He even put an Exersaucer together with the directions in Mandarin.
5. Does he have any skills the kid adores? Making trumpet noises, making a Transformers character out of grilled cheese.
6. What would he do if there were a big game the same day as a party your kid was invited to? He'll say he has a "work thing" to do. Only when I see him prostrate on the couch do I know that it was a "bullshit thing."
7. Has he ever grocery shopped alone with the kid? Not sure if you would call it "grocery shopping."
8. Did he call you while he was there? Yes, he calls me like a stalker.
9. Who does the bulk of the disciplining in your home? Mom and Mom.
10. If you were to ask him to get the wipes, could he find them without help? He could find them but he would not put them back.
11. How many different characters can he name from Thomas the Tank Engine? 5.
12. Does he know your child's favorite book? Yes.
13. Does he know your child's blood type? No.
14. Has he ever referred to time with your child as "babysitting"? No.
15. When the kid cries in the middle of the night, does he fake sleep? He's not faking. He really is sleeping.
16. When you come home from a day out, does he head to the bathroom before the kids get their needs met? Yes. So annoying.
17. On a scale of 1 to 10, how involved has he been in potty training your child (10 being totally involved, 1 being utterly uninterested)? A solid 8. He gets a 10 for effort.
18. Has he ever expressed violent emotions toward Raffi, Elmo, or The Wiggles?
He cannot stand Sesame Street. He also thinks the characters act too wild. This coming from a guy who screams, "Make Mommy nervous time!" as he throws the kids up into the air.
19. How does he do in the security line at the airport? We're getting better. He used to have rage attacks.
20. How fast can he:
a) change a diaper (pee)? 2:48.
b) change a diaper (poo)? 5:00. He goes into the project with confidence, but usually I have to redo it.
c) get kid dressed? Has never happened.
d) assemble Pack 'n Play? 1:06.
e) disassemble Pack 'n Play? 1:30.
f) buckle kid into car? 20 seconds.
g) find small baggie of crushed Goldfish in packed diaper bag (estimation)? Never.
21. Anything else? The one time he grocery shopped with the kid, they came home with pure crap. When I asked my three-year-old what they got for dinner, he said, "Starbursts."

Note: Duff may sound pretty rough on paper, but Sukoshi claims that tests can't capture his essence. "My husband defies most traditional ‘fatherly' stereotypes," she says. "However, this does not exclude him from being a complete pain in the ass sometimes."

This article appears in the August 2008 issue of Chicago Magazine.

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