Christmas is a time to stand out in a crowd with a red and green sweater. It’s a time to deforest the earth. I mean, we put forests in our houses. At some point, we looked outside and decided that trees would be better inside—but only until we throw them away. That gives, like, a real sense of power.
Christmas also has all the mythical creatures and a bunch of people who can fly. Plus we’ve got angels on our side. Stars can talk. And there’s Christmas music. We’ve got the greatest crooners of all time singing songs. Hanukkah has, who, Adam Sandler? Did I mention we have Mariah Carey? Sorry, Hanukkah.
And, of course, we have Santa. He is a businessman first and foremost. He’s got lists, which I’m assuming are now in a spreadsheet or Google Docs. Santa is like an overlord who turns a ceaseless number of toys. He is really living the American dream.
GO Esposito performs on December 10 at 8 p.m. at Thalia Hall, 1807 S. Allport St. $16 to $156. ticketweb.com
Hanukkah is just, like, you know, the Festival of Lights. We have nothing to prove; Christmas has so much to prove. Hanukkah is like the Daria of holidays. And you’d rather be a Daria than a Brittany. Christmas is like Lisa Simpson; Hanukkah like Janeane Garofalo.
It’s a little embarrassing that Jews have chocolate coins to play dreidel, but I feel like we know the stereotype and we’re owning it. We’re introducing money laundering and gambling to our children. That’s way more useful than just, willy-nilly, “Here’s a bunch of candy in a sock.”
As for Santa, I’ll just say Jews are not into lying to their kids. I’ve known about the Holocaust since kindergarten. My parents have been telling me they’re going to die since I was a kid. I think it’s weird that Christians lie to children about some guy in the sky. That’s how I feel about Christmas: The whole thing is a fraud.
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