May 31, 2007
Settling Versus Settling Down
Tuesday's blog seemed to strike a chord with some readers. "Why do you hold so firmly to the belief that single 32-year-olds have a hang-up or two?" one poster queried. Another asked, "What's so bad about 'settling' at this point in the game?"
As cited in a previous post, 51 percent of American women are single now, so mine may be the generation that continues slashing the divorce rate-which is the lowest it's been since 1970, according to a recent AP article-by not settling.
To answer the first question: I believe that people who remain single past a certain age-I said 32-do so by choice. Many girls I know look for something specific in a guy, whether it's a particular height, a full head of hair, or financial success. That's not to say everyone feels this way, but, as we get older, most of us are more in tune with what we want-and don't want-in a partner. Call it hang-ups, or just call it knowing ourselves a little better than we did in our 20s.
Others say 32 is a bit young to start worrying about hang-ups. "As you approach your late 20s or early 30s, I think [your priorities change], and you begin looking for someone to be with for life," says 33-year-old friend Lucy [I've used here aliases to protect my friends' privacy], who's getting married this summer. "I'd say it's more like 34 or so when there could be some judgment made on that person for not being able to find someone to settle down with."
I have never believed in settling, to answer the second poster's question. Maybe that's my hang-up, but I'm holding out for him, the proverbial One. Whoever he is-and wherever he's hiding-I believe he's out there. And no, I don't have a specific checklist like the one above. I'll know him when I see him; it's all about chemistry for me. I've dated guys with and without hair; I've dated guys with financial stability and guys in serious debt. And if waiting for the right guy means remaining single well into my 30s and beyond, then so be it. That's my conscious choice, I guess. Like most women I know my age, I'm not looking for a casual fling anymore, so if I'm going to put in the time with someone, it's going to be for the right reasons.
I polled a few 30-something single friends to find out where they stand on the great settling-versus-settling-down debate. Here's what they said:
Melanie, 33, a marketing executive, thinks settling is always a mistake, even though the unknown can be scary. "I think too many people are hung up on the idea of marriage, children, and that 'perfect life,' and that they often settle for the 'best thing now' rather than what is best for forever," she says. "I would rather be alone for the rest of my life-which, hopefully, will not happen-than be with someone and wonder what my life would have been like had I not made that decision."
Regarding the idea that hang-ups prevent us from settling down, Melanie says: "We are different people than we were at 25, when a lot of our married friends met. We know more about who we are, what we want, what we like, what we don't like. It is not a matter of being picky, so much as it is a matter of not wasting our or someone else's time with something we know is not right for us." Melanie is a successful, smart, financially independent woman who owns her own home. "I do not need to be with someone, but I want to be with someone because that person makes me happy and makes my life more enjoyable," she says.
That's not to say singletons living fabulous lives don't envy their married friends. But the grass is always greener. "Perception is not always reality," Melanie says. "More than a handful of friends my age who got married in their mid-20s are now going through divorces. Can you imagine being married to someone for five-plus years and having to start over?"
"Absolutely no settling," says Jeremy, a 31-year-old attorney. "I'm over thirty and single because I live in a vibrant city where, as opposed to the suburbs, it is more difficult to establish that balance between work and play. The ones who settle are the ones who force the balance and wind up being divorced five years later."
Julie is in her mid-30s and single, but has a totally different perspective: "I don't think that people really settle; some just meet their match earlier than others," she says, optimistically.
And then there's Lissa, a 30-year-old who oozes confidence and says she's not only comfortable being single, she's happy. "For me, [still being single] is a combination of timing, immaturity, fickleness, stubbornness, pickiness, fear, and luck," she says. "Divorce terrifies me. I get sick of shoes after one season. Do I think I have a hang-up? I have way more than one hang-up. All smart and interesting people do. I'm a complex person; I question things."
Readers, what do you think? Where do you fall along the settling-versus-settling-down divide?
Posted at 04:15 PM in Relationships | Permalink
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Reader Comments:
It's not always an issue of "settling" as you enter your 30s. It's a matter of truly knowing yourself and not SETTLING for BS anymore. It's about growing up and realizing that you cannot have everything.
When you make a checklist, and the guy has to have this or the girl has to have that, that marriage is definitely not going to last because we are always evolving as human beings. And as you evolve and that other person does not evolve at the same time you do, it can cause problems. It will also cause problems when you got in the relationship in the first place for superficial reasons.
If you can truly look at a person and can imagine yourself with that person for the next 20, 30, 40 or 50 years, then you know that you may have something after all the youth and beauty have faded.
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Well done Sarah!
Now, here is some feedback for the 33yr old gal who said it is ok to pass judgement on someone who is single after 34. ...
People need to understand that being single is not a disease...not everyone's main goal in life is to be married. Especially, those of us who are from broken homes. I know some parents push their daughters to marry so they will be taken care of, but that is terribly sad, b/c what happens in 10-20 years when your husband leaves you and you are left without a pot to piss in and no longer have any skills to support you? Still want to make such judegments toward those 34+ ladies who end up in great marriages b/c they had something to bring to the table and waited for Mr. Right rather than Mr. Right Now.
I am single, successful, date and have sex with who I want. Do I want to be married and have children some day? Absolutely, and I know that I will have it when I am ready for it. Again, it could happen today, or it could happen in 10 years.... It is not for lack of opportunity, but rather knowing what I want in the man I spend the rest of my life with.
Women today are bound by nothing and they should live their lives as such.
I'd like to start out by saying thank you. Although I am only 24 and the mysteries of my future are yet to be revealed, these issues still haunt my thoughts. I know, I shouldn't be jumping the gun and there's a lot that can happen in the next ten years. That doesn't mean I have to be oblivious to the possibilities. I feel like life, in general, is about patterns and based on my actions with guys, money, work, travel etc... I have a pretty good idea of where I am heading. I don't date...often. Obviously I "hook up" and go on occasional drinks with guys, but never anything serious. Not to toot my own horn but I feel that I am smart, funny, cute, traveled, passionate, etc...so it's not like I don't have anything to offer these guys. Yet with all these things, and actually probably due to these things, I chose not to waste my time. My friends are constantly in and out of relationships. Whether it'd be one month or two years, the girls are always involved. Most of the time, before it gets exclusive, they already know there are certain qualities that these guys possess that are "deal breakers" for potential marital candidates. Such "deal breakers" are inevitably factors that play a leading role in break ups yet my friends and many girls chose to overlook them ("settle") temporarily in order to avoid solitude. Yet shockingly they lead to these inevitable breakups leaving the girls devastated. I find this insane. I really can't grasp this concept at my age, 30, 40, or whenever. You only live once so why would you waste your time. My parents are constantly reminding me that they were my age yesterday. I would never want to wake up at 35 and think that I wasted my life trying to find life with a guy when all that time I could have spent building my own life. Ladies- write a book, travel, find a job you love, help the homeless, shop, party, whatever it is that will help you understand who you are, so that then it'll be easier to find him. Look at these 30 something girls who are still single...losers? Try incredible women with great careers, tons of friends, cute, fun, etc. You think they would have trouble finding boyfriends if they wanted to settle? Nope. These girls are single because they're smart. They know that there's more to life and it's going to happen in it's own time, forcing it is senseless, and in the meantime they're living it up. Sign me up. Seriously, I look at my friends who are constantly dating and complaining about their relationships not working out. They spend so much time worrying about guys that they forget about themselves. Until they are happy on their own, they will never be happy with a man, and thus they ultimately will become settlers. I'll be honest, I hope I am single for at least another 6 years so that I know what I am doing. We are always changing especially at a younger age. I'm so different from when I was 18, 20...even last year. Each experience changes my outlook especially with men. I don't know exactly who will work for me "'til death do us part" yet, but everyday I get a little bit closer. Settling just won't cut it for me...ever.
nice way to backtrack on the previous column!