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Push

September 2007

7 years
ago

 

Week 21: Kicking and Scheming

You always hear about babies being born, or conceived, in the back seat of cars. I believe Tom Waits was both. Babu’s first kick came in the rear of a rental car in a driveway in Warren, Ohio.

It was the night before Brad and Anne-Marie’s wedding and we were locked out of Anne-Marie’s dad’s house, trying desperately to reach him on the cell phone so Anne-Marie could get inside and go to bed, it being the night before her wedding and all. I was equally interested in finding him, because I’d had too much to drink and needed to use his bathroom…

7 years
ago

 

Week 20: Gender Surrender

Should we find out the baby’s gender? That’s the question of the moment. Babu’s sex organs would be visible on an ultrasound, which is to say that Babu could officially become little Babbo or Babette—if we are interested in such information. Here, the pros and cons of finding out:

Why we should wait:

  • We’re looking forward to the “surprise.”
  • We could be bummed out by what we find out. (We both want a boy.)…

7 years
ago

 

Week 20: Ving Rhames, Dumb Names

Sarah and I have had baby names picked out since before we were even married. I think she brought it up on our third date. We haven’t told anyone what they are, but they are classic, timeless Jewish names that call to mind centuries of history and heroics and pay homage to various beloved family members. Trouble is, everyone else in America suddenly started picking these names. In short, the names have become the one thing you don’t your name to be: trendy.

The good news is in five months the names we’ve chosen will most likely be so in that they’re out again, while all those MacKenzies and Jaydens and Madisons will someday be adults named MacKenzie, Jayden, and Madison…

7 years
ago

 

Week 19: Flowers Good, Flu Bad

In Sarah’s pregnancy books, there’s a lot of space dedicated to the importance of flowers. Flora seems to represent life, growth, and beauty, and a Devoted Hubby is expected to have FTD on speed dial for nine months.

I have always bought my wife a lot of flowers, and not just when I screw up. Problem is, my taste in flowers sucks. Carnations, it turns out, are as romantic as nose hair. But every time I brought them home, she smiled and kissed me, because at least I was trying. “That was so sweet of you,” she’d say in a syrupy voice that sounded familiar because it was the same one she used when a family member sent a really awful sweater…

7 years
ago

 

Week 19: Death in the Jungle

Sarah has been trying to get me to babysit our infant niece. A four-hour dry run for the terrors of fatherhood isn’t the worst idea in the world, I suppose, but I am far too spineless to do it alone. I agreed to it only if Sarah came with me.

When we arrived at Ben and Ursina’s Hyde Park townhouse, my first shock was just how much stuff the kid had. Lillian already owns more property than Donald Trump. Among her recent acquisitions: an army of stuffed animals; an extensive library of Elmo™ board books; a Pack ‘n Play more posh than a Gold Coast walk-up. She’s also got a state-of-the-art video hookup that enables her parents, when they can’t watch her flail around in her crib in person, to watch her do so on TV…

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7 years
ago

 

Week 18: This Prince Ain’t So Fresh

Everyone knows by now that we want a boy. Sarah recently gave one of her teachers a task that the teacher wasn’t interested in doing. The teacher grumbled, “I hope your baby is a girl.”

Sarah sighed. “I’ve already come to terms with it being a girl.”

“OK, then I hope it’s twins.”

When Sarah relayed this story to me, I didn’t understand the punchline. “What’s wrong with twins? And don’t we already know it’s just one baby?”…

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