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How Not to Lose Every Remaining Nice Thing

A list of rules for holding onto the shreds of society that will help us keep our sanity

This calls for a @WheresLightfoot original.  
Photo: @whereslightfoot / Instagram

Every time Mayor Lori Lightfoot updates the city of Chicago on the spread of the coronavirus, I wait for her to scream, “Y’all need to stop playin’ — STAY HOME!”

Based on Thursday’s press conference about the lakefront closures, I believe if she saw a group of joggers, she’d hurl her running shoes at them like Bruce Lee flinging ninja stars. Even the sign language interpreter is signing, “For the love of God, keep your dumb asses inside.”

Turns out, even on lockdown, it’s business as usual in the City of Broad Shoulders. It’s a sad reality that in one of the most vibrant cities in the world, Chicagoans don’t know how to just be cool. Case in point: Not only did Lightfoot tell us to all sit down during St. Patrick’s Day, but so did our newly elected governor JB Pritzker. After St. Patrick’s Day, JB essentially said, “I told you not to go out, didn’t I?”

And so it began — the closure of everything that makes Chicago Chicago.

First, it was restaurants and bars. Residents were like, Cool, let’s just get together everywhere else, so then Lori and JB closed all other businesses. This has been the pattern: Lori says stop, we don’t.

Now that she’s been forced to keep all of us away from a full 18.5 miles of lakefront, here’s a list of dos and don’ts so she doesn’t have to resort to removing the Picasso from Daley Plaza.

DO participate in exercise and solo sports like biking and running.
DON’T play sports like basketball or football, where you literally spit and fondle each other.

DO thank your grocery store workers at the Jewels for being on the front line.
DON’T get into a fist fight over the last pound of frozen Italian beef.

DO order takeout to support your local hot dog stand.
DON’T ever ask for ketchup on it; being civil still matters in isolation.

DO admire the Bean.
DON’T touch it, and never call it Cloud Gate.

DO call 911 when you see more than 10 people congregating.
DON’T call your alderman to report that your Asian neighbor is gardening.

DO watch the Superbowl Shuffle on repeat alone.
DON’T troll Aaron Rodgers no matter how many beers you’ve had by noon.

DO protect Tom Skilling at all costs. Period.

DO take your kids to run around Humboldt Park.
DON’T abandon them there no matter how much you hate home school.

DO stock up on weed.
DON’T eat all the Chicago mix, man…

DO purchase a Blago Cameo.
ALSO DO suggest a daily live feed of his prison workout.

Most importantly, STAY HOME, STAY SAFE, and don’t make me throw my shoe at you.

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