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A Guide to Cubs Playoff Anxiety

Ten essential tips that will get you through the postseason: for yourself and your loved ones.

Try not to break anything.   Photo: Chris Sweda/Chicago Tribune

If you’re like me and have gnawed through a Bic factory worth of pen caps since the MLB playoffs began, you may start to wonder if there are any remedies. After all, if the Cubs keep playing ’til November—excuse me, I just crushed my mouse into tiny pieces while considering the possibility—this level of anxiety cannot be maintained.

As someone who has thought a lot about how being a Cubs fan has affected her ability to handle basic life skills, I have a few tips to offer.

  1. Search “Cubs” on giphy.com. Go ahead: You deserve it.
  2. Alert your loved ones that even simple questions about your availability in October may not be received well. Screaming "What do you mean can I go to your child’s dance recital on October 30?” while throwing a coaster at the wall might seem like an overreaction to some, but just LOOK at that playoff schedule.
  3. Start turning non-hot dog food items into Chicago-style hot dogs. Get your inspiration from this Giordano’s monstrosity or this (pretty tasty) Hot Dog Bloody Mary.
  4. Ask a Cards fan if she’s been bored this postseason.
  5. Self-medicate—using only branded merchandise, of course.
  6. If numbers help you make sense of the world, cruise Baseball Prospectus, FanGraphs, and other stat sites that will remind you of how good the Cubs are on paper.
  7. Get out your Cubs Cliché Bingo card and go to town on the last 10 thinkpieces written about the 2016 Cubs.
  8. Have a hearty meal at the excellent restaurant Birrieria Zaragoza. You know why.
  9. Watch that MLB 12 The Show commercial that depicts Chicago celebrating after the Cubs win the World Series and bawl your eyes out—again.
  10. Ask a Sox fan if he’s been bored this postseason … if you can find any left.

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