The new, Chicago-set season of MTV's The Real World premiered last night, and you will be unsurprised to learn that it is the worst.
Filmed earlier this year in West Loop—the cast members' loft was at the corner of Randolph and Aberdeen—the season features seven feisty Millennials engaging in various acts of drunken hamming. The hilarity includes taking shots, changing outfits, getting in hot tubs, pushing one another into things, going to nightclubs, making out, getting mad wasted, and, well, keeping it real, more or less. (Mostly less.)
Here's whom we're dealing with:
Hometown: Sarasota, Fla.
Shtick: Is Moldovan. Turns slightly evil when drinking. Arrives at the loft with a fifth of tequila in her purse. Has "thug life" tattooed inside lower lip. Hashtags out loud.
Hometown: Providence, R.I.
Shtick: Has large muscles. Drives a Camaro. Says "irregardless." Has a teddy bear named Mr. Snuggledicks. Jokes about slipping Violetta a roofie. Ha ha!
Hometown: Folsom, La.
Job: Foreman supervisor at a chemical plant
Shtick: Loves the ladies. Ladies love him back. Smokes with Madison. Has a stalker.
Hometown: Austin, Tex.
Job: Unclear; has dabbled in nonprofessional acting
Shtick: Loves cute boys. Had to be home-schooled because other girls were too mean to her. Is secretly a recovering heroin addict.
Hometown: Raleigh, N.C.
Job: Former car salesman, aspiring model
Shtick: Snappy dresser. Says things like "you know how girls get." Only cast member who takes the El to the loft; thinks it (the El) is pretty neat.
Hometown: Kansas City, Mo.
Job: Bartender, aspiring actress
Shtick: Seems slightly saner than everybody else. Loves whipped cream. Says "Jiminy Crickets." Thinks Bruno is perfect.
Hometown: Staten Island, N.Y.
Shtick: Will steal your girlfriend. Has accent nobody can understand. Can do the worm. Bros out with Jason and Bruno. Loves burgers.
Aside from meeting the cast, not much happens in Episode No. 1. The gang struggles to pay an $800 tab at Packing House (money is hard), gets lost on the 0.1 mile walk to Arista Foods (directions are hard), and burns breakfast (cooking is hard).
There's also canoodling. Tony and Madison seem destined to bonk, as do Sylvia and Bruno, but really, everybody will bonk. It's The Real World! Look at how young and hot!
There's nonsexual drama brewing too. The theme of this season is "skeletons," which means an estranged friend, family member, or ex will visit each cast member for a week at the loft (we're reminded throughout the episode that the first skeleton will arrive in 14, then 13, then 12 days). The gang will also presumably face some staged challenges, but if the first episode is any indication, everything is a challenge for them.
Stay tuned to watch seven icky personalities roam about a very pretty city. The Real World: Skeletons airs Tuesdays at 9 p.m. on MTV.