Above: Fans at Lollapalooza 2014 Photo: Brian Cassella/Chicago Tribune

Break out the Fitbit: Lolla is here, and you've got some hoofing to do.

With 140 bands spread across eight stages and 115 acres this weekend, the festival's notorious time-conflicts are as awful as ever. FKA Twigs blocks out TV on the Radio. Tame Impala competes with Tyler, the Creator. Bully eats into Gogol Bordello. And literal living legend Paul McCartney somehow engulfs Sylvan Esso, Kaskade, Big Once/Trentino, Flying Lotus, and The Weeknd—a conundrum this staff has met with a resounding ¯_(ツ)_/¯.

(In our defense, Sir Paul's crowd will probably stretch back a quarter-mile by dusk, and Flying Lotus is as bold an experimenter as he ever was.)

But Lollapalooza is your elephant to eat, and it should be taken down in as many bites as you please. Here's how five Chicago writers plan to traverse the untraversable. Parrot us by the hour or disregard at will—either way, you're going to see some stars.

  Carrie Schedler Elly Fishman Britt Julious Matt Pollock Tomi Obaro
 
Lolla dream drinking buddy: Bully singer Alicia Bognanno, to tell her how great she was at Pitchfork
@carrieschedler
Lolla dream drinking buddy: Tallest Man on Earth, because who doesn't want to talk about fjords?
@elly33
Lolla must-see act: FKA Twigs. "She's truly elevated her live experience to a form of art."
@britticisms
Lolla dream drinking buddy: Metallica (with the hair)
@mattypollock
Lolla must-see act: Alabama Shakes. "Brittany Howard's voice gives me chills."
@tomiobaro
 
12:00
         
           
           
        SZA

(Samsung Galaxy)
SZA

(Samsung Galaxy)
1:00
     
       
       
           
2:00
         
    Glass Animals

(Samsung Galaxy)
     
         
         
3:00
    Tove Lo

(Sprint)
   
         
  Father John Misty

(Palladia)
 
Father John Misty

(Palladia)
 
       
4:00
  BROODS

(Pepsi)
 
     
  Hot Chip

(Bud Light)
  Hot Chip

(Bud Light)
  DJ Mustard

(Perry’s)
     
5:00
  DJ Mustard

(Perry’s)
 
     
      The War on Drugs

(Palladia)
The War on Drugs

(Palladia)
 
  Alabama Shakes

(Samsung Galaxy)
Alabama Shakes

(Samsung Galaxy)
Alabama Shakes

(Samsung Galaxy)
6:00
  Alabama Shakes

(Samsung Galaxy)
  First Aid Kit

(Pepsi)
 
  Alt-J

(Bud Light)
Alt-J

(Bud Light)
Gary Clark Jr.

(Bud Light)
Gary Clark Jr.

(Bud Light)
7:00
   
   
  Sylvan Esso

(Pepsi)
Sylvan Esso

(Pepsi)
  Sylvan Esso

(Pepsi)
Why I'm going
 
8:00
   
     
  Paul McCartney

(Samsung Galaxy)
The Weeknd

(Bud Light)
The Weeknd

(Bud Light)
Paul McCartney

(Samsung Galaxy)
 
   
9:00
Flying Lotus

(Palladia)
Flying Lotus

(Palladia)
 
Flying Lotus

(Palladia)
 
 
10:00
         
 
12:00
Mick Jenkins

(Pepsi)
Mick Jenkins

(Pepsi)
  Mick Jenkins

(Pepsi)
 
     
           
           
1:00
         
           
        Ryn Weaver

(Sprint)
 
         
2:00
       
          Travis Scott

(Palladia)
         
    Wet

(Pepsi)
  Sturgill Sumpson

(Bud Light)
3:00
Charli XCX

(Sprint)
Charli XCX

(Sprint)
Charli XCX

(Sprint)
Why I'm going
 
   
    Toro Y Moi

(Palladia)
Toro Y Moi

(Palladia)
 
4:00
     
       
       
  The Tallest Man on Earth

(Bud Light)
The Tallest Man on Earth

(Bud Light)
  The Tallest Man on Earth

(Bud Light)
 
5:00
   
     
     
        Tyler, the Creator

(Palladia)
Tyler, the Creator

(Palladia)
6:00
Tame Impala

(Samsung Galaxy)
Tame Impala

(Samsung Galaxy)
Tame Impala

(Samsung Galaxy)
 
 
  Kid Cudi

(Bud Light)
Why I'm going
  Chet Faker

(Pepsi)
  Kid Cudi

(Bud Light)
7:00
  Brand New

(Sprint)
     
     
    Banks

(Pepsi)
8:00
    Metallica

(Samsung Galaxy)
 
       
         
  Sam Smith

(Bud Light)
Sam Smith

(Bud Light)
   
9:00
   
     
     
     
10:00
         
 
12:00
    jackLNDN

(Pepsi)
   
         
           
    Lion Babe

(Pepsi)
Lion Babe

(Pepsi)
   
1:00
     
    Zebra Katz

(BMI)
  Zebra Katz

(BMI)
  Twin Peaks

(Sprint)
  Twin Peaks

(Sprint)
    Twin Peaks

(Sprint)
 
2:00
   
     
           
           
3:00
         
      Verite

(Sprint)
   
  Marina and the Diamonds

(Sprint)
     
       
4:00
    Strand of Oaks

(Pepsi)
 
       
         
           
5:00
         
           
           
  Gogol Bordello

(Palladia)
Gogol Bordello

(Palladia)
Bully

(BMI)
Bully

(BMI)
Why I'm going
 
6:00
 
   
       
        A$AP Rocky

(Bud Light)
A$AP Rocky

(Bud Light)
7:00
     
       
  TV On The Radio

(Sprint)
   
  FKA Twigs

(Pepsi)
FKA Twigs

(Pepsi)
FKA Twigs

(Pepsi)
FKA Twigs

(Pepsi)
Why I'm going
8:00
 
  Florence + the Machine

(Samsung Galaxy)
Why I'm going
       
         
9:00
       
         
         
         
10:00
         
Keri Wiginton/Chicago Tribune