… and seven other ideas for men stumped by Valentine’s Day
by Sam Moulton

My long-distance booty call who lives in NYC
An inanimate object isn’t going to cut it-you need to see each other, and fast! Book a last-minute getaway somewhere warm via the Web on site59.com. Its slick search function makes traveling from two different cities a snap. Punch in the info, and a few seconds later you both have bargain flights to Miami from your respective airports, plus dozens of car and hotel rental options. site59.com

My wife, who frowned last year when I gave her a vacuum cleaner
Nothing, not even an expensive diamond, will expunge last year’s colossal faux pas from her memory. So get her a functional piece of jewelry that will pair with nearly everything. Try something that’s pretty yet edgy, like a gold-plated steel necklace-and-earring set from In God We Trust. And, Romeo, pick up a card while you’re at it. $126 for both at Eskell, 953 W. Webster Ave.; 773-477-9390, eskell.com

The cutie I’ve been dating for a month
This is a tricky one. Go overboard and risk scaring her off; err on the casual side and send the wrong message. Split the difference with this handbag made from upholstery fabric by The Handbag Company in Portage Park. Unlike, say, a locket stuffed with your own hair, a purse doesn’t symbolically scream, “I’m psychotically in love with you!” $120 at Wolfbait & B-girls, 3131 W. Logan Blvd.; 312-698-8685, wolfbaitchicago.com  

My extremely cool arty girlfriend who detests anything overtly romantic
Well-known fact: Women think big belt buckles look great on men. Lesser-known fact: They look just as good on women. Made by an artist (and mother of four) in Wilmette, these limited-edition brass and Italian leather belts look stylish and sexy. Because there’s nothing remotely lovey-dovey about a belt buckle, it’s a gift almost guaranteed not to backfire. Tuyere belts, $250, at Habit, 1951 W. Division St.; 773-342-0093, habitchicago.com 

My new bride, who-believe it or not-doesn’t want jewelry
Does the woman in your life TiVo every episode of Project Runway? Then chances are that she’s familiar with Kara Janx, the winner of the show’s second season. Janx now has her own line, which includes this pleated silk number. It can be worn as a dress, a tunic, or a skirt, so chances are extremely high that your significant other will love it. $385 at 75eleven, 7511 Madison St., Forest Park; 708-771-7511 

My wife of 30 years, who-believe it or not-doesn’t need jewelry
Lots of spas offer couples massages; what makes the “Art of Touch” treatment offered by Spa Space especially tempting is the educational component. You get a rubdown, she gets a rubdown, then your personal masseuse spills her secrets and gives you some techniques to use at home. Take a pen. $150 per couple at Spa Space, 161 N. Canal St.; 312-466-9585, spaspace.com

Mom
Your friends don’t splurge on their mothers, but that’s not a good reason to leave yours off the list. Besides, it’s so simple: Take a beautiful photograph of you and your wife-or, even better, your children-to Artisan Events. Owner Amanda Sudimack will mat and frame it-and thus forever seal your position of sweetest son. From $135, Artisan Events, 3021 N. Lincoln Ave.; 773-248-9333, artisanevents.com

My girlfriend, whom I’ll most likely dump in March
You love steak. She loves you. You’re, well, on the fence. Taking her to an old-school Chicago steak house seems a bit cruel. But a nouveau red meat joint like David Burke’s Primehouse? Perfectly acceptable. If aphrodisiacs such as oysters and black truffles on their six-course Valentine’s Day menu don’t reenergize the relationship, at least you’ll get a perfectly cooked slab of beef and good bottle of Champagne out of the deal. Prix fixe dinner, $125 per person, at David Burke’s Primehouse, 616 N. Rush St.; 312-660-6000.

To add insult to injury, tell her to consult our handy list of man-gifts.

Photographs: Earrings by Megan Lovejoy, Illustration: Bill Brown