I don’t know if it’s the way it’s coiled like a snake, the hilariously literal name, or the proper British empire spelling, but this one had me laughing. “No, Daddy, I don’t want 50 Centimetres of Licorice! I want one 1 Metre of Licorice!”
Banking on the dark powers of Satan to peddle one’s product by may not be the best business plan. This company, however, has hedged its bets by making Beelzebub a benevolent tyke who looks like Shrek’s sunburned brother. Wielding a pitchfork too small to spear an olive, much less your soul.
Custas: Because nothing goes with your espresso like a hockey puck filled with yak phlegm. It’s Now!
“So chumpy you can carve it!” barks this adorable schnauzer, and you’d almost believe him if he didn’t promptly saunter off and dry heave in his dog bowl for 15 minutes before steeling himself to hawk more of this revolting blue-toned Lamb Chum.
Let’s forget for a minute the senseless name change and focus on a larger issue: namely, that these strung-out imps claiming to be Snap, Crackle, and Pop are, in fact, a trio of impostors. Kellogg’s, you’ll be hearing from Crackle’s attorney.
KIRK’S CREAMING SODA
There is something very subversive going on here. “Creaming” I can deal with, but not paired with the haunting scene on that bottle. What act is the purple-haired dwarf in the picture committing with Kirk, the mustachioed soda pop salesman? Is this how he pays for his Creaming Soda?
OK, so here we’ve got some kind of sharp-toothed, bloodthirsty cat-rabbit clad in his finest gigolo-wizard garb. In his massive cauldron he has conjured up a delicious breakfast treat of chocolate-coated gall bladders ripped from the still-writhing bodies of his victims. Das Zauberhafte Schoko-Frühstück indeed.
I keep picturing this optimistic-looking mascot, presumably the titular Cheezel himself, making the difficult Hole-journey to the cheezel pile at the bottom of the box, before wondering if he would’ve been happier as a Mini instead. The minis box looks like a party whereas the Holes box looks like a glum gathering of non-ambulatory rocks.
CHOCOLATE RABBIT WALL
Something about this ominous Chocolate Hare Wall made Hannah cry. I think it’s because some of the rabbits’ eyes follow you wherever you go.
IN A BISKIT
Is it a cracker? A cookie? A mini-burger? Something else? Lord only knows, but apparently whatever In a Biskit is, it has scientifically proven munchie-stopping power—and that is enough for Australian consumers. Note the mysterious steam that appears to be emanating from the “burgers” on the lower-left corner. Pondering its meaning certainly halts my munchies.
6 HOT DOGS
The indignities that these six cowering bockwursts are forced to endure in that crowded vessel are beyond my imagination. At least Böklunder got the “American style” thing right. You know, because we Yanks love our hot dogs out of a frickin’ jar.
For the uninitiated, a sultana is a raisin made from a white grape of Iranian and/or Turkish origin. Look for Arborio Krispies, Tupelo Smacks, and other exciting products from Kellogg’s Ridiculously Specific Cereal Line™.
Rolls right off the tongue, don’t it? “You know what I could go for right now? A great big glass of cold refreshing Sustagen!” French vanilla, of course.
NGON HET SAY
This claimed to be sardines in tomato sauce, but I suspected tamales in whale placenta, so I consulted a Vietnamese dictionary to translate “Ngon hêt sây.” From what I gathered it translates into “Delicious As Like Two Peas Reed.” Which, if I remember correctly, is what Lou Reed named his second daughter.
This petite sign wants so badly to be draconian, but I kept laughing at the image of someone slipping the whole shop under his coat. Though I suppose it makes more sense than “shoplifters,” which almost sounds like it has a positive connotation. “I wasn’t stealing it. I was lifting it!”
Great pizza cities: Chicago, New York, New Haven, Naples. Now, thanks to this mouthwatering Velveeta/red pepper/pineapple/earwax chunk/diced penne groundbreaker, we can safely add Chiang Mai to the list.
The Aussies love to call breakfast “Brekky,” which is charming. Slightly less charming is this murky concoction, which, if you believe the label, includes various apples, oranges, pineapples, buttons, and something that appears to be either a plum or a freakishly large blueberry.
KIT E KAT
Loved this cheerily alliterative sales pitch, mostly because it took me so long to figure it out. I kept reading it as “Kite Kat” and finally had to sound it out. Then there’s the concerned-looking Kat himself, who appears to have just learned that the Krunch contained therein comes from the bones of Kats themselves. You’re next, buddy boy!