The Chicago Sun-Times reported in March that a DePaul graduate student had auctioned off his soul on eBay for $504. In the market for a new soul himself after losing an ill-advised wager made with a “new friend” while watching football at his buddy Faust’s place, The Closer scoured eBay looking for a locally available replacement. No luck, but he did find a small trove of Chicago curiosities that just might tide him over for eternity.

Have a Pig Named After Your Boss, Friend, Coworker
If you win this auction, you can name a pig anything you want. (Our choice: Hamlet.) If you name it after someone, the Yorkville pig farmer will e-mail the lucky eponym the pig’s birth date, description, and photo. Sadly, in the post–customer service era, “if you would like a plaque or other photo display there will be an added charge.”
Item #5675000968
Mike Ditka Kicking & Screaming Movie Photo
If you’re one of the growing number of players in the burgeoning Will Ferrell movie-stills futures market, this item, featuring the backs of several children’s heads and Da Coach with an expression that would best be de-scribed as “actorly,” is a can’t-miss. Memorable scenes not available from this movie.
Item #7508952211
Morris the Cat Obituary, 1975
Who among us does not remember that mid-seventies day that saw the death of an infamous Chicagoan who had ruled with an iron fist for many years, brutally enforcing his autocratic whims? I’m speaking, of course, of Morris the Cat. The lucky owner of an original copy of Morris’s obituary is willing to part with it for a mere $999.99.
Item #5606908938
25 Superdawg Cardboard Trays
“Unbelievably great Superdawg cardboard trays in excellent shape,” the seller promises, for a mere $5. And really, what could be more unbelievably great than the chic retro-design, red-and-black, foldable objets d’art from the legendary North Side sausage emporium? Hot dogs not included.
Item #7224425318
Abraham Lincoln Life Mask
Lincoln considered himself an ugly man, but beauty is in the eye of the beholder. See how you behold him the first time you walk past him in the middle of the night on your way to the bathroom, groggy and bleary, as he stares back at you through lifeless, bronze-colored eyes. Start-ing at only $18.60!
Item #6615147952
University Barbie Northwestern Cheerleader
Not many people remember that in Barbie’s occupationally nomadic career, she spent a stint cheering for Wildcat athletics, shortly after stumbling through her core requirements (“Math is hard”). This Barbie is great for little Wildkittens who love make-believe, fantasizing about dates with the hunky quarterback and bowl wins.
Item #5673595787