Illustration by John Kenzie
Illustration: John Kenzie

• “Onions?! Why does Uptown reek of onions this morning?!” Uptown, Feb. 28, 2019

Describing a thief who stole a therapy cat: “Hair: She wears wigs. Top: She dresses in very expensive clothing. Bottom: Not much there.” Rogers Park, Feb. 28, 2019

• “My nephew was walking around the lakefront last week and lost his retainer. If anyone has found a retainer can you give me a call?” Hyde Park, May 6, 2018

• “If I hear one more thing about canned pumpkin I’m going to scream.” Rogers Park, Jan. 26, 2019

• “Providing photos of package thieves to police is good, but I also left bait boxes with a special gift inside (could be rocks, garbage, or dog poop). Guaranteed they won’t come back.” Bronzeville, Dec. 4, 2018