Ten Things Men Should Know About Women
The wedding is about a month away, and I haven't had an unaided night of sleep in weeks. My friends and my doctor have told me it's perfectly normal to develop irrational anxieties before a wedding, as long as the panic has nothing to do with the decision to get married. Although I don't have a single doubt about spending the rest of my life with The Fiancé, I've been a little apprehensive about the living together part—especially right now, when the two of us are still in a condo built for one.
I've mentioned before that we've been looking for a new place to live, but we recently decided to slow that process down until the wedding is over and our lives have calmed down. In the meantime, since The Fiancé's lease is up at the end of the month, he's been gradually moving in the rest of his man stuff—not the least of which is his shoe collection. Put it this way: He's the male Imelda Marcos of sneakers. Impressive, I know, but this melding of worldly possessions has made our already cramped condo feel especially claustrophobic. We've had to get pretty creative with the rapidly accumulating Crate and Barrel boxes, one of which became an insta-breakfast table the other day. And since this is my first real go at living with a romantic partner, I'm still learning the ropes.
But then again, so is he. "What are you doing to your eyebrows?" he asked in horror the other day when I was seated in front of the magnifying mirror. There's just no easy way to let a guy know you don't wake up looking flawless in the morning. Some of us need to work at it, and I'm pretty certain none of us wants to explain it. Sure, some things should be kept sacred, but that's not always possible in close quarters. Since I've given up trying to pretend that I'm perfect, I might as well ruin the mystery for the rest of you guys. Behold, ten things men should know about women:
10. Most women don't have wash-'n'-go hair. And since it takes some of us a significant amount of time to blow dry said hair straight, we don't wash it every day, a decision that requires the use of those items known as shower caps. Yes, we know they're ugly.
9. Sometimes we wear zit medicine to bed. Because sometimes we get breakouts.
8. Women may have hair in peculiar places, including above the lip—but don't ever call that a mustache. Ever.
7. Women pee sitting down. On a toilet seat. Preferably one that's clean.
6. Don't be misled: The Olympics do not represent a new status quo of TV sports viewing. When gymnastics ends, SportsCenter will not take its place.
5. Although you say you love it when we don't wear makeup, you're wrong. Even when you think we're not wearing makeup, we're wearing makeup.
4. When asked, "Which of my friends do you think are hot?," there is only one correct answer: "None."
3. If you're getting ready at the same time, let the woman have the bathroom mirror first. Do not get in her way. This works out best for everyone. Trust me.
2. Although you have swapped saliva, toothbrushes are not meant to be shared.
1. When she's arguing with her friend, your friend, or especially her mother, always take her side.
Guys, if you've got tips on what women should know about men, post away in the "Comments" section below.
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Reader Comments:
This is great!! I'm forwarding it to, um, pretty much everyone I know. :)
You have read every woman's mind... This list should be required reading every man on earth! Can you give more insight for them? I would love it and they could definitely use it. Everyone would be happier...
For women...please don't ask, "do I look good in this outfit?" If you do ask, expect an honest answer...my wife will tell me if she doesn't like my outfit and it should work both ways...without anyone's feelings getting hurt.
5. This one shows me that this list describes a specific type of woman (who is very image concerned). If we're dating serious or married, I hope you don't feel that you have to wear makeup all the time around me.
4. If you ask me a trick question like "which of my friends do you think are hot" you will get an honest answer. It's a trick question because you're forcing me to either insult your friends or tell you that I think they're attractive.
Shaving sucks, men do not like to shave. That being said if we don't shave for a few days and our face gets rough, bear with it. As much as you ladies enjoy a smooth shavin face, running a razor over it everyday is not enjoyable.
Surely you could have come up with a less stereotypical list. If you really tried.
Speak for yourself on numbers 8, 6, 5, 4, 1. This list describes the type of girl that gives girls a bad name.
And your comment demonstrates the type of girl who doesn't have a sense of humor, who will live a sad and lonely life...
woah whats wih all the hate!
Its crazy you keep deleting posts that do not vibe well for your column.
Wow your column really blows, feel free to email me for suggestions on what to write about so you can keep your readers entertained... Here is one: How long into the marriage do you wait to tell him that you hate is mother?
lancehenchy@gmail.com
Girl, it's true what they're saying. This is not the most original list, or even all that true or funny. It's like a college paper column.
Nice try, though, you poor thing.
i thought it was pretty funny. if so many of you don't enjoy this column, then why do you continue to read it and share your criticism? we get it, you don't like her. move on.
We continue to read it because as a well established magazine in the city it should contain quality writings. However, as we can tell bye recent columns this one is the exception.
if these are the most important things for women, or 'girls' then I think society is doomed.
you are a moron.
As afar as the comment about shaving goes...
Women shave their legs and armpits everyday, which is a much larger area than the face. We also get our eyebrows, upper lips, and pussies waxed. If we can do this, you can shave your face.
Huh. As a happily married woman, have to say #s 10, 9, 5, 4, 3, and 1 don't apply to me at all. Just FYI.
The truth is guys find woman amazingly confusing most of the time.
To guys it seems like woman always want to fight.
Most guys are more sensitive than you think, if you brake up with one it could easily take a month for him to move on.
Unlike what many girls think its not always the bigger breasts the better, every girl has their perfect size.
Guys can't resist a sweet smile.
If you like a guy let him catch you looking at him once or twice, but only that don't get obsessive.
this list is stupid. clearly you are a bitch and expect to be spoiled. no one likes you.
as a guy blowjobs are nice