This month’s story on Chicago‘s most eligible singles features 20 happy, healthy, and apparently well-adjusted people. A few personality types you didn’t see in those 12 pages: the disturbed, the vain, the hypocritical, the masochistic. In other words, the rest of the world. Drawn from real profiles, here are personal statements from people who just might be America’s least eligible singles.


>> Right now I’m workin’ on getting my cosmetology license. I do hair and I’m good at it. I love to party and chill, and I’m down for whateva!

>> I am vegetarian, and proud of it. Although I still think of shrimp as fair game.

>> If you haven’t met me yet, I’m not gonna lie: I’m pretty awesome.

>> People assume I’m always pissed off. Nothing personal. It’s just a general expression for me.

>> Once I got my license, I went out clubbing a lot and met a lot of friends. I got pregnant at 19 and stopped going out clubbing then. My divorce is almost over-finally! So if you see this and you wanna talk, PM [private message] me!  

>> Likes: dolls, religious art, guns, Louisiana, eunuchs, sewing, disabled and amputee pets.

>> Irish whiskey makes me frisky!

>> I have absolutely no orifices. I am orifice-less. I am an Orifian.

>> I like biking, riding bikes, and watching people ride bikes. Music is a huge part of my life, along with biking and friends. I have a bit of an artistic side. I like photography and video taping, BMX mostly.

>> It’s hard to breathe with the dagger in my chest.


>> Heroes: Ross Perot for rescuing our people in ’82 with his own money and self-made militia.

>> I hate drama, anyone who causes drama, and anyone who brings drama. So all of you go to hell: sluts, whores, skanks, or anything of the sort.

>> I know every single ending to every Scooby-Doo.

>> Born in Oregon, the bastard son of a truck driver and a farm girl. Raised in the backwoods, survivalist-style, and dirt poor.   

>> I eat honey mustard on pretty much anything.

>> I will not watch silently as the last remains of human intelligence are buried in a cultural wasteland.

>> General interests: sex, sleep deprivation, stilt walking, tattoos, theater, thunderstorms, tribal-gothic fusion belly dance.

>> I want to play euchre more.

>> What it do, peeps! I am a well cultured, well traveled man. I’m a tax payer, registered voter, and hell, yeah, I pay the man! You gotta work hard to party hard. So, yeah, all you chillaxed and cool people out there, hit me up. We’ll smoke and chill. Fo sho.

>> Other than hanging from hooks, I sling burritos for a living.


Illustrations: Jorge Colombo