Let’s face it, you probably don’t care that much about the Super Bowl on Sunday. With the Bears double doinked, we’re in for another coast-dominated game. This year it’s East vs. West, with the New England Patriots battling the Los Angeles Rams. It’s hard to get too excited about the Patriots because, um, they’re the Patriots. And the Rams? Frankly, St. Louis called and wants its team back.

But whatever. It’s still the Super Bowl. We might as well pick a team and brace ourselves for Maroon 5’s presumably highly grating halftime show. Plus, the polar vortex is expected to abate in time for the game. It will be safe to go outside. Pick a favorite Ram. Get a Patriots tattoo.

Not sure how to watch? We’ve got you covered. Here’s the perfect Chicago bar (and one bonus stay-at-home option) for each shade of football fan.

If you’re actually invested in the game

All ye with a vested interest — football junkies, displaced Yankees, Angelenos aboard the bandwagon, still-loyal St. Louisans — set a course to Public House (400 N. State St., River North) or State (935 W. Webster St., Lincoln Park). Both of these spots are well recognized for their high-level sports bona fides, and both overflow with TVs. Public House will beam in the game on a 30-foot-long video screen, too.

If you’re looking to enter a food coma

WestEnd (1326 W. Madison St., Near West Side) is coming to play this Super Bowl with a bounty of gluttonous deals. We’re talking monster pretzels and “big-ass” — their words — pizza pies. It’s a cold winter out there. You need all the body fat you can get.

If you want to get classy with your Super Bowl food experience

Try Brothers and Sisters (2119 W. Chicago Avenue, West Town) for some gourmet upscale catering for your apartment viewing. We’re talking pimiento cheese balls, meat platters, and craft beer.

Cheese and meats at Brothers and Sisters Photo: Carolina Mariana Rodríguez

If you’re only in it for the commercials and halftime show

Want to go out for the game, but football’s not really your thing? Consider sports bar-bowling alley hybrids 10pin (330 N. State St., River North) or Seven Ten Lanes (1055 E. 55th St., Hyde Park)? You can bowl your way through the game and peek at the TV when your favorite celebrities are on the screen for 30 seconds apiece. 

If you don’t care if you remember the game

The nice thing about the Super Bowl is that it starts early. And sure, it’s on a Sunday, but that doesn’t mean it’s not a grand occasion to get a little tipsy. Zip on over to Benchmark (1510 N. Wells St., Old Town). They’ll be pouring $3 shots of Fireball and $5 shots of Jameson all game long.

If you think the NFL is evil and the Super Bowl is a moronic capitalist orgy

Go to Hopleaf (5148 N Clark St., Andersonville). They’re not showing the game.