The best thing about living in Chicago is experiencing the full four seasons. Spring’s returning neon green tree leaves put a bounce in your step. Summer’s open fire hydrants and porch stoops relieve you until the burning sun fades to an orange evening haze. Fall brings all the basic bitches to the yard. But it’s not until you experience the full force of winter that your grit is tested as a true Midwesterner.
If Chicago winter were a song, it would be belted by a seasonally depressed Lil Jon: “Close the windows … on the walls! Wear your gloves … and your hats, till the sweat runs down your back. Y’all, sleet sleet mother[censored]!” It’s a difficult time for all, but here’s a temperature checklist to help yu through.
50°The trickiest temp! It could mean shorts or a stocking cap, depending on whether it is a fall 50 or a winter 50. Try this test: Step outside, breathe in, and exhale. If you can’t see your breath, you’re still at fall 50. If icicles cling to your vibrissae like Trump to the illusion of his presidency, then i’s time for a coat.
35°Give it a rest, cargo-shorts-and-hoodie guy. We get it, you’re a single dad who’s “still cool” even thoughyou can’t find your kids at the McFetridge Ice Rink.
20°Summon your best Cardi B to stay warm while you shovel: “There’s some snow in the streets, there’s some sow in the streets. Grab a bucket and a mop, that’s a dib, that’s a dib.”
10°Gather the kids for a trip to ZooLights! Step outside, realize how cold it is, take the kids back in, teah them that life is full of disappointments.
-10°Call in sick, order Harold’s, crack open a bottle of Malört, and thank patron saint Brian Dennehy that it’ll be six months before you’re frightened by a scurrying rat again.